15 Healthy Relationship Tips for Couples

Healthy Relationship Pointers

By: Alex DeWoskin

Studies show that people with healthy relationships are healthier, have more happiness, and have less stress. Relationship issues are the number one reason people seek assistance from therapists. Feeling either depressed or energized about a relationship can directly affect how one functions at work and in other areas of their life.

Relationships encompass companionship; sharing interests and concerns; intimacy and closeness; comfort and being comforted; openness and honesty; and partnership.

Feeling positive and worthy in a relationship occurs when individual differences are respected, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible.  There are three parts to a couple: ME, YOU, and US.

Tips for Healthy Relationship

In healthy relationships each has a life of its own and each part contributes to the other.  If any one of the three dominates, the relationship falls out of balance and problems can surface. 

The following are 15 tips for healthy relationships:

1 Keep Expectations Realistic. No one can be everything we want them to be.  Often when we develop a very strong attachment we expect the person to behave in a certain way. When they don’t, we may feel disappointed and may try to change them. But, in healthy relationships we accept people as they are. Keeping our expectations of others realistic based on their true capacity can thwart off disappointment. 

2 Boundaries. Boundaries are physical and emotional space between you and another person that serve to protect you.  It is up to the individual to define and enforce their own boundaries.  When boundaries are crossed, we can feel violated and that hampers the development of trust.  

3 Rules or Agreements. Along with individual boundaries, we should define what the rules or agreements in relationships are.  When rules aren’t communicated clearly, confusion exists, anxiety increases, and expectations are often not met.  Rules and agreements can apply to long-term goals as well such as spirituality, sexual expectations, investments and home purchases, and children.

4 Communication. Communication is essential in healthy relationships. The most common complaint heard by family and relationship counselors is, “We don’t communicate anymore.” Communication is about a lot more than talking.  We all communicate through what we say, what we don’t say, how we say it, and our body language.  What we communicate or fail to communicate shapes the level of honesty, directness, and openness in our relationships.

Sometimes essential messages are transmitted through defensiveness, withdrawing, criticizing, intentional insults, actions, facial expressions, and body language as well as through words left unsaid.  For example, silence can be interpreted as anger or even disinterest.  If our feelings don’t fit with the words, it tends to come out in the non-verbal communication which gets “heard” and believed. The goal of communicating about problems is to make a situation better, not worse.  Below are tips for effective communication.

5 Take the Time. Pick the right time and place when you both have adequate time to discuss the issues at hand. 

6 Stick to the Issues.  Don’t bring up things that happened long ago or things that happened with prior partners.  Only discuss the current problem.  Give concrete examples. Have your intent match your message. Avoid using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ and stay away from criticizing your partner’s entire personality.

• Stick to ‘I’ Statements. Try to stay away from ‘you’ statements which tend to make the other person feel defensive as if all the blame is on them. 
• Genuinely Listen. Don’t plan what to say next while you’re trying to listen and don’t interrupt. Listen with your ears and your heart. Sometimes people have emotional messages to share and weave it into their words. Pay close attention, use nonverbal communication to show interest, keep good eye contact. If your partner feels safe, secure, and comfortable while they’re talking, they are more likely to speak freely and honestly. (See our post on active listening)
• Ask Questions. Don’t mind-read or assume.  If you don’t know how your partner feels or what they think, then ASK especially if you think you may have missed the point. Ask friendly and appropriate questions, ask for opinions, and show your interest.
• Paraphrase and Feedback.  Summarize has been said, give your reaction, and explain how your partner has made you feel.  This allows your partner to tell if you have understood correctly or if they need to be clearer.  Create empathy — the ability to recognize, perceive and feel directly the emotion of another person (the ability to “put oneself into another’s shoes”).
• Share Information. Be generous in sharing yourself. But, don’t overwhelm others with too much too soon. State your feelings honestly without being sarcastic or insulting to the other person.  Edit your thoughts and remove anything that might hurt the other person before you speak. Incorporate positive statements and compliments along with your complaints. 
• Trust is formed over time through honest interactions and self-disclosure. 
• Respect Individual Communication Styles. It takes two to communicate. Remember males and females often communicate differently. Men and women may have different goals when they communicate with women striving for closeness, while men striving to get across information.  Try to learn from each other so you both can broaden your communication skills. 

7  Conflict Resolution/Fight Fair. Most relationships have some conflict.  It only means you disagree about something, it doesn’t have to mean you don’t like each other. When you have a problem:

• Negotiate a Time to Talk About It. Don’t have difficult conversations when you are very angry or tired. Ask, “When is a good time to talk about something that is bothering me?” Adopt a code word to be used for time-out if necessary and assign a time frame.  Decide, after both parties have calmed, whether it’s important to revisit the issue or let the issue go. If you notice things are getting to heated, take a time out.
• Don’t Criticize. Attack the problem not the other person. Open sensitive conversations with “I” statements; talk about how you struggle with the problem. Don’t open with “you” statements; avoid blaming the other person for your thoughts and feelings. Healthy relationships don’t blame. Don’t forget the rules of fair fighting!
• Don’t Assign Feelings or Motives. Let others speak for themselves. Healthy relationships recognize each person’s right to explain themselves.
• Stay With the Topic. Don’t use a current concern as a reason to jump into everything that bothers you. Healthy relationships don’t use ammunition from the past to fuel the present.
• Say, “I’m sorry” When you’re Wrong. It goes a long way in making things right again. Healthy relationships can admit mistakes. This is why it is important to know how to say “I’m sorry” the right way.
• Don’t Assume Things. When we feel close to someone it’s easy to think we know how he or she thinks and feels. Sometimes we can be very wrong. Check things out.
• Ask For Help If You Need It. Talk with someone who can help you find resolution—like a counselor, a teacher, a minister, or even parents. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
• There May Not be a Resolved Ending. Be prepared to compromise or to disagree about some things. Healthy relationships don’t demand conformity or perfect agreement.
• Don’t Hold Grudges. You don’t have to accept anything and everything, but don’t hold grudges—they just drain your energy. Don’t hold on to past hurts and misunderstandings. Forgiveness is a powerful and important factor in maintaining healthy relationships. Real forgiveness means that we are willing to let go of the emotional hold of a particular experience. If we forgive one day, but then a few weeks later bring up the old misdeed, this is not real forgiveness. When we make mistakes, just consider how much we would appreciate others forgiving and forgetting.
• The Goal is for Everyone to be a Winner. Relationships with winners and losers don’t last. Healthy relationships are between winners who seek answers to problems together.
• You Can Leave a Relationship. You can choose to move out of a relationship if you have exhausted all your options. Studies tell us that loyalty is very important in good relationships, but healthy relationships are NOW, not some hoped-for future development.

8 Be Flexible. Most of us try to keep people and situations just the way we like them to be. It’s natural to feel apprehensive, even sad or angry, when people or things change and we’re not ready for it. Healthy relationships mean change and growth are allowed.  Grow together.

9 Take Care of You. Maybe you hope those around you like you so you try to please them.  But, don’t forget to please yourself. Maintain your self-worth, that sense of who you are as an individual and in a relationship. Your sense of your own worth directly affects you, your significant other, and your relationship. Healthy relationships are mutual.

10 Link to Others. Individuals and couples do not exist in isolation.  Your support systems and the roles of family and friends are important and should be defined.   Sometimes our support systems even include role models for healthy relationships.  But, when people isolate themselves and try to exist separately from the rest of their friends and family, they create serious problems for themselves as individuals and as a couple.  It is just as important to nurture yourself as it is to nurture your relationship. 

11 Be Dependable. If you make a commitment or take on a responsibility, follow through. This helps to foster trust in healthy relationships.

12 Relational Responsibilities.  Establish who will be responsible for major responsibilities like finances and chores.  Base these decisions on each other’s interests and skill set.  Set yourself up for success.

13 Intimacy and Warmth. Studies tell us warmth is highly valued by most people in their relationships. Find time for intimacy and try to add more romantic and beautiful moments. Plan date night with your partner. Be cuddlier, hold hands and kiss each other. Emotional warmth and intimacy are essential to a healthy relationship. So you should never let go of a warm moment. Remember if the two of you are happy and loving, you will model this to your own children.

14 Keep Your Life Balanced. Other people help make our lives satisfying.  But, they can’t create that satisfaction for us. Only you can fill your life. Don’t overload on activities. Healthy relationships aren’t dependent.

15 Be Yourself and Respect Each Other’s Unique Attachment Style.  It’s much easier and much more fun to be you than to pretend to be something or someone else. Healthy relationships are made of real people, not images.

Final Thoughts

Healthy relationships don’t just happen. In truth, they time a great deal of work and effort. If you are looking for more information on how to create a stronger and more vibrant relationship, we encourage you to check out other posts on this blog and visit our online relationship bookstore.

I hope you found this post on improving your relationship useful. Thanks for visiting the Couples Counseling Center in Chicago!