6 Topics Couples Avoid Talking About But Shouldn’t!

Couples Communications

By: Couples Counseling Staff

Are there certain topics that you avoid talking about with your mate? Have you noticed that your partner seems to squirm when particular issues come up? Do you both steer clear of conversations that are connected to the past because they feel uncomfortable? If so, you are not alone. The reality is that for many people in relationships, there are just certain topical areas that are avoided like the plague!

To keep it real – most of us can dance around awkward subjects fairly well. This is particularly true if you are just getting to know someone or have stepped up the level of intensity in your relationship.

Here at the Couples Counseling Center, our therapists recognize that dating and other matters of the heart can sometimes be a tricky business. With that shared, we also know from experience that couples who do not talk in an honest and transparent way find themselves in trouble down the road.

What follows are 6 specific topics that couples commonly avoid in close relationships but shouldn’t. Bear in mind that this list is not intended to be exhaustive and is based on the current research in the area of relationship communications.

Some of these points make strike you as common sense while others may cause you to pause in reflection. Read them all so that you are better able to fully absorb their contextual meaning.

Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!

1. Past conflicts

This is a big one for many couples. Past hurts, including disagreements and acts of infidelity are often swept under the rug because they are too painful to explore. While on some level this makes intuitive sense, it also creates a very real barrier to intimacy.

This is why we encourage our clients to face past hurts head on so that they do not have the power to erode and destroy a given relationship or marriage.

2. Past failures

All of us are human and all of us make mistakes. In the context of romantic relationships however, it can be difficult to talk about past failures. Examples include getting fired, failing a test or getting dumped by an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. The overriding concern of making a disclosure is a fear of being judged or worse, abandoned.

In our experience, we have found that couples who discuss and process these kinds of issues are in a much stronger position and paradoxically, generate greater intimacy through getting to truly know one another.

3. Past relationships

Let’s be honest – this can be a super uncomfortable subject for a variety of reasons. Part of the dilemma under this point relates to the very human activity of comparing a previous lover to oneself.

The harm however, in not talking about an ex is that by denying their existence, you give them power – power over your present relationship and how it will unfold in the future. While it isn’t necessary to reveal every single detail, it is important to acknowledge the relationship existed and be honest about why it collapsed.

4. Sexual experiences

This too is an area that many people in relationships feel uncomfortable discussing. Here, we are talking about likes and dislikes as well as specific types of encounters. OK – we can cut a little slack here given the sensitivity of this topic. Still, if a relationship is to grow, both parties need to feel safe about what turns them on and what doesn’t.

A necessary aspect of this means revealing (in some way) experiences from the past. This is a general construct for all couples seeking to increase intimacy.

5. Friendships

This category includes current friendships with others as well as the quality of those friendships. Many couples avoid talking about a friend (or set of friends) because they fear being judged or if a partner is critical of a given person.

We urge couples however to be transparent about friendships because avoiding the reality of their existence acts as a barrier to growth and creates a codependent relationship dynamic.

6. Dangerous behaviors

If you are thinking of things like risk taking, drugs and/or alcohol – you are on the right track. Many people in relationships who have a history with these issues often pretend like they never existed. This happens because of understandable concerns about being judged.

With that shared, if the relationship goes on long enough, the truth will eventually come out. Wouldn’t you rather have some control over how that material is disclosed? Concealing information leads to distrust, which happens to be a primary reason people seek out couples therapy in the first place.

Couples Communication Resource

If you are looking for more information on how to enhance communications in your relationship and move about the business of discussing “hot button” topics that are acting as foundational cracks, we encourage you to pick up a copy of the book, Communications Miracles for Couples by Robinson.

What we like about this book is the promotion of transparent dialogue that is presented in a step by step format. If you are holding fear and anxiety around discussing certain matters with your mate, this is a must read book!

If you have time, we also encourage you to check out some of our others couples books in our relationship resource center.

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Reference: Close Encounters: Communicating in Relationships. (n.d.). Retrieved April 1, 2015, from https://www.questia.com/library/journal/1P3-277155611/close-encounters-communicating-in-relationships