Being Called Fat or Ugly in Personal Relationships
Being called fat is probably one of the most hurtful things a person can hear. This is particularly true when we are involved in a romantic relationship and the person you are attached to makes this kind nasty comment. Your hurt may only intensify if your man said something like this to you in the presence of other people. If you are sitting with a bunch of feelings right now and wondering why “My boyfriend called me fat”, there is a good chance that right now, you are highly pissed off. Here’s the deal – you should be!
Sometimes people in personal romantic relationships say things out of a place of anger. Other times, remarks are made because somebody made a bad attempt at trying to be funny. To keep it real, all of us say things we later come to regret. But there are some things that really should never be said, regardless of what prompted the comment. Specifically, we are talking about your boyfriend calling you fat, ugly or stupid.
If you are wondering how you should respond to being called fat, consider one or more of the five ways to respond listed below as a way of dealing with your situation. While there is no guarantee any of these will bring you satisfaction, it might just help you feel better while setting a firm boundary with your man.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
1. Let him know he is being abusive
If your boyfriend reached for the fat word during an argument or conversation with you, he has engaged in emotional abuse. At this moment in time, it may be difficult to wrap your head around this concept because you are feeling hurt. That is fine but you need to understand this – what he said was abusive. The same holds true if he called you ugly or stupid.
You need to let him know that his remarks are not OK and that they are unacceptable. Variations of being called fat can include comments like, “Do you really need to eat that” or “Honey, your starting to get chunky”. If the two of you are thinking of getting married, his unkind remarks to you should serve as a potential warning sign for what might be to come.
2. Recognize he may be emotionally unavailable
Men who called their girlfriends or significant others names like fat, ugly or stupid often are emotionally unavailable. While this may be difficult to hear, his name calling may be an indication you are with someone who is incapable of being with you in a loving and supportive way.
Should this be the case, it might be a good idea to assess the history of your relationship with this guy and determine if you should be with him in the first place. Working with a therapist for one on one relationship counseling may help you better understand your dating patterns and create positive change.
3. Consider setting firm boundaries
Another way to respond to being called fat by your boyfriend is to immediately set firm boundaries. One effective approach is to establish ground rules for fair fighting. Using this concept, the both of you make a verbal (or written) agreement that whenever you get into a heated discussion or argument, you will both follow specific guidelines on the parameters of the conversation.
One of the big tenants of fair fighting is simply this – no name calling! Some couples find it necessary to work with a couples therapist to set ground rules and reinforce boundaries.
4. Don’t call him names back
It is completely understandable that right now you are hurt because your boyfriend called you fat. Who wouldn’t be upset? This is particularly true if he called you fat in front of other people, like friends or family. As tempting as it may be, do not give into the urge to make an ugly remark towards him in return. If you do this, you run the risk of escalating the argument into a full on blowout.
Instead of giving into this urge, a more effective approach might be assert the tips made in point number one and walk away. Warning: If alcohol is involved, do not try to engage in a conversation. Nothing good will come from the situation at this point. Your man may very well need anger management counseling, which is something he needs to explore on his own.
5. Be ready to walk
A final way of dealing with a man that has called you fat is to simply make the decision to breakup. As mentioned previously, this kind of vicious name calling may be a harbinger for what is to come in the future. Think about it – do you really want someone activating pre-existing body image issues?
The decision to break up is not easy and certainly requires a great deal of emotional fortitude. Still, it is important to recognize that one of the big reasons couples split is because there is recognition that both parties are simply not compatible. If your guy is a narcissist, it is unlikely he is ever going to really change.
There are just some things that should never be said to someone that we supposedly love. Being called fat certainly ranks high on the list of “no-no’s”. Sometimes, a people call a significant other names because they have fears of intimacy, using name calling as a way of sabotaging any real dialogue about how they feel in the context of a relationship.
Should this be the case with the person you are involved with, it might be helpful for them to think about getting some counseling to help they figure things out. If you are curious about why some men behave they way they do, such as calling you names like fat, a great book to read is Why Does He Do That by Bancroft. Inside you will find page after page of insightful information into the mind of angry and controlling men.
Finally, if you are thinking of engaging in couples therapy to address some of the issues happening in your relationship, you should give plenty of thought to this before calling a counselor.
There is a good chance that your man may be highly resistant to this suggestion, given his already ugly behavior. If you still think this would be a good idea, consider these 5 tips for how to talk about couples counseling with the man in your life.