Anger Management Techniques

By: Costa Provis, LCPC, CPC

Anger is normal. It is healthy and functional. It’s actually an important emotion which has contributed greatly to the human experience. When we feel angry we are typically engaged in a fight or flight type of response, which helps us hone our senses and focus. Anger can help us gain mental clarity and a sense of control, and it can make us more assertive and even give us motivation when we feel stuck.

I have even read that anger has been a primary factor in our own evolution, contributing to basic survival. Healthier versions of anger might look more like frustration or disappointment. Often times we learn from these types of experiences and make new plans or positive changes to reduce future frustration. It is useful and functional as long as we are able to manage our reaction to anger.

Unhealthy Anger

Anger can at times become unhealthy. In these cases, it might look more like rage, which can make us feel out of control, become violent (including breaking or destroying property), and focus our energy on blame and aggression. Often times we feel disconnected from our reaction to anger. We separate ourselves and our thoughts from the actions associated with anger, instead of recognizing the connection.

Anger Triggers

When something happens to us that triggers us, we quickly process the information, and then based on the internal process we react. For instance, if I’m driving in my car and another car cuts me off, I could take it personally and process that way (i.e. “how dare you treat me like this”).

This thought process would likely lead to feeling angry and possibly reacting in an unsafe manner. Or I could depersonalize it (i.e. that guys probably in a hurry, or maybe they’re dealing with an emergency) and remain calm. The bottom line is the way one processes the “trigger” is ultimately the way we react to it; to change the reaction one must change the internal thought process.

How to Deal with Anger

This could be done by simply slowing down. Count to ten, or take a few deep breaths, and give yourself a chance to find a new reaction. Effective anger management involves identifying the internal thought process, then trying to identify other possible alternative options.

Think of anger management in terms of ABC – A is the trigger, B is the internal thought process, and C is the reaction or outcome. For instance, (A) you missed my birthday, (B) that makes you a bad friend and you don’t care about me, (C) I hold a grudge and possibly end a friendship.

Now consider alternative options for B. Maybe you were having a terrible day, or dealing with a stressful situation. By exploring alternative possibilities we might defuse the situation and effectively manage our anger.

This is a quick crash-course version of how slowing down our response time once you are triggered, then identifying your internal process, and exploring alternative possible options, you can greatly impact the outcome and effectively manage your reactions.

Anger Final Thoughts

As mentioned at the start of this post, anger is a normal emotion and can serve a purpose. The challenge for many however, is calibrating our response to anger, particularly in the context of personal relationships. This is best accomplished by understanding our triggers and by knowing which methods work best for keeping our anger under control.

One resource I would like to recommend is the Anger Management Workbook. Inside, you will find concise, practical and meaningful exercises to help you spot your triggers for anger, coupled with various exercises to help you keep your emotions in check. Many of my clients have found this one book to be an invaluable tool on their path to living a calmer, less stressful life.

Finally, I encourage you to think about working with a therapist who specializes in anger management. Having an objective third party to help you formulate healthy responses to what you are feeling can go a long way in assisting you to live a more meaningful, satisfying life.

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