In Love With a Married Man
By: Couples Counseling Staff
So what should you do if you have found yourself in a situation where you are in love with a married man? If you have started dating a guy and discovered that the guy is already attached, it can be a real shocker. This is particularly true if he hid this information from you or denied that he was married when you made inquiries.
The topic of infidelity and marriage is one that sometimes comes up with our clients here at the Couples Counseling Center in Chicago.
Given the important role that relationships play in all of our lives, we thought it might be helpful to offer the following seven suggestions if you have found yourself deeply in love with a married man.
Some of the tips suggested here may strike you as obvious while others will cause you to think. Read them all so that you are able to fully absorb their deeper meaning.
1) Take Time to Think
After you find out about the shocking news, you will need a bit of time to emotionally and psychologically process what you have just learned. Do not make any decisions right away – about anything. Instead, spend some time alone and simply think.
Ask yourself what kind of love style you hold and if you can truly be in a relationship with a guy who is legally married. Don’t let your boyfriend try to talk you out of your feelings or try to smooth things over. It is a big deal and you will need to be able to think clearly without influence.
2) Confront Him
After you had some time to decide what you want to do about the situation, confront your boyfriend about the future. Most will try to say they will be leaving the wife, but this is so you will not leave him in the process. He may have feelings for you, but it is not fair to the wife or to you that he wants the best of both worlds.
Depending upon how you proceed, he is the one that will need to choose and you should have a solid answer about it. If he is wishy-washy with his answer, you need to separate yourself from him completely See our post on breaking up the right way).
2) Find Out About Children
Ask your boyfriend if he lied to you about children, as well. If so, be prepared for him to stay with his wife. If he is still living with her at the moment, he will most likely stay because he will not want to risk losing time with his children.
If he is separated, you have a better chance at having something work down the line. Either way though, you were strung along, so you will need to deal with this issue and not minimize. Remember, a lie by omission is still a lie.
3) Make An Appointment With A Counselor
Talking about the situation with an unbiased person could be the best thing you can do in this situation. Your relationship counselor will help you realize that it is not your fault in any way.
A therapist may be able to assist you with developing healthy coping skills during the tough period where you are trying to figure out what direction you want to take with your relationship – if any.
4) Allow Yourself To Be Mad
You have every right to be angry. Scream, yell, curse and slam your door. You need to be able to release the betrayal you are feeling, so by all means, let it loose. Do not get yourself in trouble with the law or do something to your boyfriend or his wife, however.
Take the anger out on your pillow, by playing loud music or by engaging in scream therapy. You will feel better afterward, allowing you to move forward with a decision.
5) Call It Quits For A While
No one is asking you to make a decision today about your relationship. Take a break from each other while you sort out your feelings some more. You may find that some time acting single may be just what you need.
If you feel yourself missing your boyfriend, call a friend and hit a club or check out a movie. You aren’t “broken up” just “taking time apart”. It will help you in finding out what you feel about yourself and what you want to do with your future.
6) Look Deep Down
You need to ask yourself if you are able to put yourself last in the relationship. If your boyfriend is not leaving his wife, you will never be first in his life, and that is unhealthy and unfair. Ask your self on this point, does she know about me?
Continue your counseling sessions until you feel positive about your decision regarding your relationship. You will get through this. Do not rely on someone else to make you happy. Your first and foremost priority is yourself.
7) Assess your attachment style
Once the immediate emotional crisis is over and you have made your ultimate decision, it may be helpful for you to assess your relationship attachment style. Do you have a history of being attracted to bad boys?
If so, what’s up with that? Have you fallen for guys who were emotionally unavailable in the past? If so, you may want to talk about this with your therapist about your dating patterns. Sometimes, talk therapy can help to ferret out hidden issues that caustically act as a genesis point for behavior.
Final Thoughts
Being in love with a married man is not something you should be ashamed about. And it is important to recognize there is a difference between crushing on a guy and being big time in love with him. If you are looking for more insight about this topic, we encourage you to pick up a copy of the book, The Emotionally Unavailable Man by therapist Patti Henry.
Inside, you will find page after page of useful insight on the traits and characteristics of men who are not fully available for a relationship. What’s more, the book helps readers to understand why they are attracted to guys who truly shouldn’t be on the market.
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