Technoconference: A Closer Look

As a couples therapist here in Chicago, one of the most common issues I see in relationships today doesn’t come from infidelity, money stress, or even parenting conflicts. Instead, it comes from something we all carry around every day—our phones.

There’s even a name for it now: technoference.

Technoference describes the way technology—smartphones, tablets, TVs, video games, even smart watches—interrupts, distracts, or erodes intimacy in relationships. Couples across Lakeview, Lincoln Park, the Gold Coast, and Andersonville often come to counseling reporting the same struggle: “We’re in the same room, but it feels like we’re worlds apart.”

If you’ve ever felt more competition with your partner’s phone than with another person, you’re not alone. In so many ways, our culture has become digitally dependent.

What Technoference Looks Like in Relationships

Technoference can be subtle. It’s not always about spending hours gaming or scrolling on TikTok. More often, it shows up in small, everyday moments:

Checking notifications during dinner instead of having a conversation
Turning on Netflix for “quality time” but both scrolling separately on phones
Texting or answering emails late at night instead of winding down together
Glancing at a smartwatch during a date or while a partner is sharing something important
Scrolling Instagram in bed, leaving intimacy to fade into the background

In therapy sessions, I often hear one partner say, “I just don’t feel like I have their full attention anymore.” That lack of presence becomes a major relationship stressor over time.

Why Technoference Hurts So Much

When technology interferes, it’s not the screen itself that causes damage—it’s the way it communicates disconnection. Your partner might say, “I’m just checking something quick,” but what you hear is: “What’s on my phone is more important than you right now.”

For couples in neighborhoods like Lakeview or Andersonville, where life already feels fast-paced, these small daily disconnections can add up to loneliness in the relationship. Over time, that loneliness erodes trust, affection, and even desire.

Root Causes of Technoference

Why is technoference such a growing problem for couples in Chicago and beyond? A few common causes include:

Smartphones and apps are designed to be addictive, rewarding our brains with dopamine “hits.”
Work culture in the city often glorifies being “always available,” blurring boundaries between personal and professional life.
Couples may be using screens to avoid tough conversations or emotional intimacy.
Tech can become a default coping mechanism for stress or anxiety.

What Couples Can Do About Technoference

The good news is that with intentional changes, couples can repair the disconnection caused by screens. In counseling sessions here at Couples Counseling Center, I often recommend practical strategies such as:

Set Tech-Free Times – Agree on certain times (like meals or the first 30 minutes after coming home from work) when phones are put away.
Create Phone-Free Zones – Keep screens out of the bedroom to prioritize intimacy and rest.
Practice Digital Check-Ins – Before picking up your phone during couple time, ask: “Is this urgent, or can it wait?”
Replace Screens with Rituals – Instead of watching TV while scrolling, try a walk through Lincoln Park, cooking together, or playing a board game.
Communicate Openly – Share with your partner how technoference makes you feel, without blame. Focus on the need for connection.
Seek Counseling Support – Sometimes the deeper issue isn’t the screen—it’s the emotional distance that existed before the screen. Therapy can help you address that root cause.

A Chicago Therapist’s Perspective

Living and working as a couples therapist in Chicago, I see technoference affecting couples across all walks of life—whether in high-rise apartments in the Gold Coast, historic homes in Andersonville, or busy condos in Lakeview. City living often amplifies the pressure to stay plugged in, but it also makes it harder for couples to create the intentional pauses needed for closeness.

In sessions, I remind couples that technology itself isn’t the enemy. It can enhance connection when used mindfully—think video calls during travel or sending a sweet text during a busy workday. The challenge comes when screens become a substitute for authentic presence.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you’ve tried setting limits but still feel like screens are sabotaging your relationship, it may be time to reach out for help. Couples counseling can:

Create a safe, structured space to talk about the impact of technoference
Help both partners feel heard without defensiveness or blame
Identify deeper relational needs behind the tech habits
Build new rituals of connection that fit your lifestyle in Chicago

Rebuilding Connection Beyond the Screen

Technoference doesn’t have to mean the end of closeness. With awareness, intentional effort, and sometimes the guidance of a trained couples therapist, you can reclaim presence in your relationship.

Imagine putting down your phone and feeling fully engaged in a meaningful conversation. Imagine enjoying dinner in Lincoln Park or a walk on the Lakefront Trail without the distraction of buzzing notifications. Imagine looking at your partner and truly being seen.

That’s what happens when couples take back control of their connection.

Ready to Talk?

If screens are creating distance in your relationship, don’t wait until the disconnection grows. At Couples Counseling Center, we offer both in-person and online counseling for couples throughout Lakeview, Lincoln Park, Andersonville, the Gold Coast, and across Chicago.

Your relationship deserves more than competing with a screen. Together, we can help you rebuild the closeness you’ve been missing.