Thinking of Breaking Up?
If you’re thinking about breaking up, chances are you’ve already been through a lot. The arguments, the distance, the confusion—it all starts to pile up until you begin wondering whether it’s even worth it anymore. As a Chicago couples therapist, I’ve sat with many partners who reach this crossroads. Some come in hoping to save their relationship. Others want clarity about whether it’s time to let go.
Before you make a life-changing decision, it’s worth taking a step back and reflecting on what’s really happening. Sometimes, a breakup can feel like the only option when, in reality, it might be a sign that something deeper needs to be addressed—either within the relationship or within yourself. [See our page on therapist for after a breakup to learn more]
Here are seven things to consider before breaking up.
1. Are You Reacting from Emotion or Reflection?
When you’re hurt, angry, or disappointed, it’s natural to think about leaving. But decisions made in the heat of emotion often miss the full picture.
Ask yourself:
• Am I deciding this after careful thought, or am I reacting to pain?
• Have I given myself space and time to think clearly?
Sometimes taking a few days—or even a few therapy sessions—to process what you’re feeling can shift your perspective. Emotional decisions tend to be impulsive; reflective decisions come from clarity and alignment with your values.
2. Have You Clearly Communicated What You Need?
Many couples who come to therapy in Chicago tell me, “We’ve tried everything,” but when we unpack that, it turns out much hasn’t been clearly expressed.
• Have you told your partner what you truly need in this relationship?
• Have you expressed your needs in a calm, specific way—without blame or criticism?
• Have you given your partner a chance to respond and try?
Often, people assume their partner “should just know,” but emotional needs aren’t always intuitive. Before ending things, make sure both of you have had the opportunity to understand and respond to each other’s deeper needs.
3. Are You Both Still Willing to Try?
This is one of the biggest questions to ask before a breakup. Relationships can recover from resentment, distance, and even betrayal—but only if both partners are willing to work.
Willingness doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine. It means being open to vulnerability, accountability, and change.
Ask yourself:
• Do I still want to try, or have I emotionally checked out?
• Has my partner shown effort or just words?
• Are we both invested in healing this, or am I carrying all the emotional labor?
If one person is completely done, therapy may not repair the relationship—but it can still help you separate with dignity and clarity.
4. Is This About the Relationship—Or About Something Within You?
Sometimes the urge to break up is more about what’s happening internally than what’s happening between you and your partner. Stress, unresolved trauma, depression, anxiety, or life transitions can all distort how you experience connection.
Before deciding to end things, consider:
• Am I projecting old wounds or insecurities onto my partner?
• Have I been under unusual stress lately?
• Could individual therapy help me understand my patterns before I make a final decision?
As a therapist, I often remind couples that our partners become mirrors. They reflect back parts of us—our fears, our attachment style, our history with love. Looking inward can offer clarity about whether you’re truly incompatible or just struggling through growth.
5. Have You Tried Couples Counseling?
Couples therapy isn’t just for those on the verge of divorce—it’s a place to understand each other better, communicate effectively, and rebuild trust.
Working with a Chicago couples counselor can help you:
• Identify destructive communication patterns (like criticism or stonewalling)
• Reconnect emotionally and rebuild intimacy
• Learn tools for conflict resolution and empathy
• Decide, together, whether staying or separating is the right choice
Many couples who thought they were “done” rediscover compassion and teamwork through therapy. Even if you do decide to part ways, counseling can help you do so thoughtfully, without bitterness or regret.
6. Are You Expecting Perfection?
Sometimes relationships feel like they’re failing simply because they’re not matching an unrealistic ideal. We live in a culture of instant gratification—if it’s not working perfectly, the impulse is to move on.
But healthy relationships involve frustration, compromise, and imperfection. Love is not always a feeling; it’s often a decision to keep showing up even when it’s hard.
Ask yourself:
• Are my expectations realistic?
• Do I want my partner to meet a standard no one could sustain?
• Am I comparing our relationship to others instead of nurturing our own?
That doesn’t mean you should tolerate neglect or abuse. But it does mean distinguishing between a fundamentally broken relationship and a human one.
7. What Would You Need to See Change to Stay?
If you’re considering breaking up, get specific about what would need to change for you to feel hopeful again.
• Would you need more affection, accountability, or effort?
• Would you need your partner to go to therapy?
• Would you need a stronger sense of trust or shared direction?
Clarifying these answers helps you move forward—whether that means working on those changes or accepting that they’re unlikely to happen. Either way, it empowers you to make a grounded, intentional choice.
Final Thoughts
Ending a relationship is one of the hardest emotional decisions you can make. It’s a process that deserves reflection, compassion, and honesty. Whether you decide to work on the relationship or go your separate ways, what matters most is that you do it with clarity—not confusion or resentment.
If you’re in Chicago and facing this crossroads, couples counseling can provide a safe space to explore your next step. Together, we can look at what’s working, what’s not, and whether healing or healthy separation is the path forward.
Relationships change—but with support and insight, you can make those changes with courage and integrity.
