Are you independent or avoiding?
By: Jess Thompson, MA
We live in a society that applauds independence and why wouldn’t we? Chicago has been cited in many articles as one of the best cities for singles. We are a city with an incredible food scene that welcomes solo diners, we have bars filled with friendly Midwesterners quick to strike up conversation, and a beautiful lakefront that welcomes a day of solitude with a good book in hand. Independence is a positive trait.
Independence means self-sufficiency, it means strength. It’s the confidence to explore without the company of others, and take on challenges without dependence on anyone else. But when does independence become a hindrance or better yet, when is independence simply a mask of avoidance?
Let’s break it down:
Hermetic Personality
Private, hard to read, slow to open up and known to hide feelings and repress emotions. Unlikely to share both physical space and/or personal vulnerability.
Workaholic
An obsession with keeping busy, focusing your life on your career or a goal. Prioritizing this over most or all other commitments.
Anti-Help
Never wanting to ask for help and avoiding delegation, even if you feel overwhelmed or burnt out.
Solitary
You often spend time alone, usually spending time with others only when invited by them, and rarely initiating plans with other people. Do not want to need anyone or for anyone to need them.
Individually Decisive
Rarely ask or consider other’s input when making decisions, particularly decisions that involve personal life decisions.
Do any or all of these traits sound like you? The common thread here is a resistance to support, a resistance to relational connection. If you feel you don’t need anyone or do not feel comfortable relying on others, there is likely an associated fear of being let down or hurt, and this isn’t simply independence. This hyper-independence is avoidance.
Okay, so maybe I’m avoiding relationships, tell me more.
An individual with an avoidant attachment often will construct their lives in such a way to avoid commitment or too much intimacy. In other words, they likely avoid relationships altogether. Those with avoidant attachment keep their internal worlds private and shy away from emotional connection. This can look like pulling away, shutting down, holding rigid boundaries, and compartmentalizing.
Related: Am I codependent?
Avoidantly attached individuals can be interpreted as independent and not needing care, but in reality, as all people do, they are in need of care and connection, but struggle to feel safe enough to be vulnerable in sharing their needs. Avoidant attachments need time and space alone because this helps them to regain a sense of safety and this is generally achieved through self-regulation. Despite everything, individuals with avoidant attachment are still more than capable of healthy relationships should they work to build a more secure attachment with their partner.
But how?
It can be helpful to understand the source of your attachment style and the associated core wounds. Attachment is defined as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” (Bowlby, 1969), attachment is often established during infancy and early adolescence with the primary caregiver(s). However, it can be reaffirmed or adjusted in activating or corrective social experiences throughout life.
Attachments are shaped through the repeated act of “attachment behaviors” or “attachment transactions;” it is an ongoing continuing process of seeking and maintaining a certain level of proximity to another individual (Bowlby, 1969). It is theorized that avoidantly attached individuals develop avoidance behaviors as a defensive mechanism against rejecting behaviors from others or feelings of abandonment. Through individual therapy this can be explored and processed.
Being aware of how your attachment shows up in relationships and how it compliments or activates a partner’s is abundantly helpful. It is important to be cognizant of how differences in attachment can create conflict and then utilize this knowledge to prevent or resolve conflict when it arises.
Particularly for avoidantly attached individuals, communication early on about expectations for time together and time apart can help manage each partner’s needs or help to recognize incompatibility in a potential romantic partnership.
Independence should be maintained in relationships, but it needn’t prevent us from having them.
