By: Lincoln Giesel, LCSW
In 2022, in a city as diverse and forward-thinking as Chicago, people of all walks of life are entering romantic relationships with all types of dynamics and boundaries. The question of ethical non-monogamy is on the table, and more couples are feeling comfortable openly negotiating their expectations for relationships outside of their primary romantic one.
A major component of an ethical relationship, whether it be completely monogamous or consistently non-monogamous, lies in clear communication and consent. This article will encourage the reader to explore and better understand their desires and relationship goals before potentially seeking out individual or couples counseling for additional support.
First, I would encourage you to begin by defining what kind of non-monogamous relationship you desire. When you imagine opening up your primary romantic relationship in this way, how frequently do you picture having sexual or romantic experiences with other people? Would you prefer to exclusively involve your partner, not include them at all, or some combination of both? Do you imagine your interactions being purely sexual, or having a more romantic element as well? For some individuals, being non-monogamous is an important part of their identity, and feels more fixed. Others may experience these desires as more negotiable and flexible, which is not necessarily a reason to keep them a secret from your partner either.
Investigate why this could be difficult to tell your partner. What kind of assumptions and judgments might they have, and how could you anticipate thoughtfully responding to them? While there is no way of truly knowing how your partner will respond, you probably know them better than most other people in their life, so you may have a strong idea of the types of follow up questions or concerns they may have. Maybe they would have their own feelings of stigma or shame around these dynamics, or initial anxiety about sexual health.
Maybe they would feel jealous or threatened by the request. Allow this deep knowledge of your partners insecurities, values, and typical reactions to make for a smoother discussion around a potentially delicate topic.
In turn, investigate why you desire a non-monogamous relationship. Ideally, your romantic and/or sexual experiences outside of your primary relationship would provide additional joy and satisfaction to your life, rather than take away from any wellbeing in your current relationship. Are there major needs in your primary relationship that you feel are not being met? If you felt like your romantic, sexual, emotional, or other needs were being more consistently met in this relationship, do you imagine that your desires for nonmonogamy would decrease, disappear, or stay the same?
While it is perfectly normal to desire a non-monogamous relationship or dynamic, it is also normal to have these desires or fantasies without wishing to act on them, or even share them with your partner. Additionally, it is completely acceptable to not be sure what you want, and to better understand this through thoughtful conversations (and actual exploration!) between you and your partner. For some individuals, it can be difficult to tell if something is purely a romantic/sexual fantasy or deeper desire without trying it a few times.
Similarly, do not be surprised if your partner may be having non-monogamous desires in private as well. While their desires may be conveniently similar to your own, they could also have quite different ideas of non-monogamy. You may have envisioned a casual threesome with different individuals every once in a while, while they may be more drawn to having one or two longer term “friends with benefits.” Be prepared for a range of responses from your partner, and remember that they will be looking to you for patience and understanding as well.
If you anticipate this series of conversations may create too large a rupture in your relationship to repair, you may benefit from the structure and support of couples’ therapy. Many couples’ counselors are well versed in ethical non-monogamous dynamics and can guide you and your partner through these discussions with fairness and nonjudgmental support. If you do not feel ready to breech the topic with your partner, you could potentially benefit from support groups, related literature, or individual therapy to better understand your desires.
