Why Do I Keep Falling for Emotionally Unavailable Men? 💔
You’ve been here before. That familiar flutter when you meet someone new, the late-night conversations that seem to promise something real, the growing hope that this time will be different. Then slowly—or sometimes all at once—you realize the truth: he’s not really available. Maybe he’s still hung up on his ex. Maybe he’s “not ready for anything serious.” Maybe he’s literally married to someone else.
And here’s the part that keeps you up at night: Why do you keep choosing men who can’t fully choose you back? 🤔
If you’re reading this in your Lincoln Park apartment at 2am, wondering why your heart keeps leading you down the same painful path, you’re not alone. After more than 20 years working with individuals and couples navigating relationship challenges, I’ve heard this pattern described in countless ways. The details change—different men, different excuses, different neighborhoods from Lakeview to the West Loop—but the heartbreak sounds remarkably similar.
The good news? Understanding why you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable men is the first step toward breaking the cycle. Let’s dive into what’s really happening beneath the surface.
The Paradox of Unrequited Love ❤️🩹
There’s something almost intoxicating about impossible love. Think about the greatest love stories: Romeo and Juliet, Gatsby and Daisy, that summer romance before you flew back from Europe. What makes these stories so compelling? The obstacle. The impossibility. The longing.
Research on romantic attraction shows something counterintuitive: external obstacles to love can actually intensify our feelings of desire. When love is forbidden, difficult, or just out of reach, our brains interpret the challenge as a signal that this person must be incredibly valuable. After all, we think, why else would we be fighting so hard?
This is why the married man seems more romantic than the single guy who’s actually pursuing you. Why the workaholic who “doesn’t have time for a relationship” seems more intriguing than someone with space in their life for you. Why the guy still “figuring things out” with his ex feels more exciting than someone who’s genuinely ready for commitment.
Your heart doesn’t race because these men are unavailable in spite of the obstacles—it races because of them. And understanding this paradox is crucial to breaking free from the pattern.
Common Reasons You’re Drawn to Emotional Unavailability 🔍
1. You’re Addicted to the Chase (Not the Relationship) 🎯
Let’s be honest: the beginning of relationships feels amazing. The butterflies, the constant texting, the obsessive wondering if he likes you back, the analyzing every word and gesture with your friends over brunch in Lincoln Park. There’s a rush to it—almost like a drug.
For some women, this pursuit phase becomes more important than the actual relationship. You tell yourself you want commitment, but unconsciously, you’re drawn to men who keep you in that exciting, uncertain space. Once someone becomes available and predictable, the high wears off. The fantasy becomes more thrilling than the reality could ever be.
Here’s the tough question: When you imagine being in a stable, committed relationship where someone is fully present and available to you… does it feel boring? Does it lack that spark? If the answer is yes, you might be more attracted to the drama of pursuit than the intimacy of partnership.
The pursuit can become an escape. While you’re obsessing over whether he’ll text back or if that coffee invitation means something more, you’re not thinking about that career change you’ve been avoiding, the therapy you’ve been meaning to start, or the loneliness you feel even when you’re with someone.
2. You’re Recreating Childhood Attachment Patterns 👨👩👧
I know, I know—you’re probably thinking “here we go with the childhood stuff again.” But stay with me, because this isn’t psychobabble. It’s one of the most well-researched patterns in relationship psychology, and understanding it can be genuinely life-changing.
Our earliest relationships—typically with our parents or primary caregivers—create a blueprint for how we understand love, safety, and connection. If your early experiences involved inconsistent affection, emotional distance, or having to work hard for scraps of attention, your nervous system learned that love requires struggle.
Children who experience emotional neglect often internalize a devastating belief: “I’m not worthy of consistent love and attention.” As adults, these individuals unconsciously seek out partners who confirm this belief. The man who can’t commit, the guy who’s hot and cold, the partner who’s physically present but emotionally distant—they all feel familiar. And to our nervous systems, familiar feels like home, even when home was painful.
This isn’t about blame. Your parents may have loved you deeply while also being emotionally limited by their own histories, mental health challenges, or life circumstances. But recognizing the pattern is essential. If unavailable men feel comfortable while available men feel uncomfortable or “too much,” that’s your attachment system talking.
Many women I work with in my Chicago Relationship Therapy practice describe a similar experience: available men who are kind, consistent, and genuinely interested feel “boring” or create anxiety. “There’s no spark,” they say. But what they’re actually feeling is the unsettling unfamiliarity of secure attachment. Your body is so used to the cortisol spike of inconsistent love that steady, reliable affection doesn’t register as “real” love.
3. You’re Emotionally Unavailable Too 🪞
This one is hard to admit, but it’s often the most important insight: You might be choosing unavailable men because you’re not actually available yourself.
Emotional unavailability isn’t always obvious. You might want a relationship intellectually, tell your friends you’re ready to settle down, and genuinely believe you’re open to love. But unconsciously, part of you knows that choosing someone who can’t fully commit keeps you safe from your own fears.
What makes someone emotionally unavailable? Here are some common patterns:
- You’re still grieving a past relationship. Even if it ended years ago, if you haven’t fully processed the pain, betrayal, or loss, part of your heart remains with that person. 💔
- You’ve been deeply hurt before. Past betrayals create walls. Choosing someone who can’t get close means those walls never get tested. It feels safer to love someone who can’t hurt you because they were never really yours.
- You’re focused on other life areas. Maybe you’re building a career, recovering from loss, or working through personal challenges. Unconsciously, an unavailable partner gives you the illusion of connection without the demands of real intimacy.
- You’re afraid of being truly seen. Deep intimacy requires vulnerability—letting someone see your insecurities, past mistakes, and imperfections. An unavailable man never gets close enough to see the real you, which feels safer than risking rejection from someone who actually knows you.
Here’s the paradox: you might believe the problem is that he won’t commit, when the deeper truth is that his unavailability protects you from having to risk real vulnerability yourself. You get to feel like you’re pursuing love while remaining emotionally defended.
4. You’re Confusing Anxiety for Chemistry ⚡
One of the most common things I hear from clients: “I just didn’t feel that spark with him, even though he was great on paper.”
Let’s talk about that spark. 🔥
Often, what we interpret as “chemistry” or “butterflies” is actually anxiety. The nervous system response to uncertainty, inconsistency, and emotional danger can feel remarkably similar to attraction. Your heart races. Your stomach flips. You can’t stop thinking about him. You’re hyperaware of every text, every gesture, every microexpression.
Meanwhile, when you go out with someone who’s genuinely available—someone kind, consistent, and actually interested in building something real—you feel… calm. Present. Grounded. And because we’ve been conditioned to equate love with drama, we misinterpret that calm as a lack of attraction.
What if the “boring” feeling isn’t a lack of chemistry but the unfamiliar experience of emotional safety? What if your nervous system needs to recalibrate what love feels like?
5. The Fantasy Is Safer Than Reality 🌙
When someone is unavailable, you get to fill in all the blanks. You can imagine who they’d be if only they were free, healed, ready, or available. You can project all your hopes onto them without the messy reality of their actual personality, habits, and limitations getting in the way.
The married man becomes perfect in your imagination because you never have to deal with how he leaves dishes in the sink or shuts down during conflict. The guy who’s “not ready for a relationship” remains idealized because the relationship never has to survive real-world stress tests.
Fantasy relationships are always perfect because they’re not real. And unconsciously, that might be exactly the point.
Breaking the Cycle: What Actually Helps 🌱
Understanding why you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable men is crucial, but awareness alone doesn’t change the pattern. Here’s what actually helps:
Get honest about your own availability. Before you can attract and maintain a healthy relationship, you need to do your own emotional work. This might mean processing past heartbreak, healing attachment wounds, or addressing areas of your life where you’re feeling stuck or unfulfilled.
Learn to sit with discomfort. If available men feel “too much” or create anxiety, that’s information. Practice staying present with those feelings instead of immediately running toward more familiar (unavailable) options.
Redefine chemistry. Start noticing how you feel in your body around different people. Does this person’s presence make you feel calm or chaotic? Safe or on-edge? Sometimes the healthiest love feels quieter than we expect.
Work with a therapist. Seriously. These patterns run deep, and trying to untangle them alone is like trying to cut your own hair—technically possible, but you’re probably going to need professional help to get it right. 💇♀️
You Deserve a Love That Chooses You Back ✨
Here’s what I want you to know: You’re not broken. You’re not doomed to repeat this pattern forever. And you absolutely deserve a relationship with someone who is fully available, genuinely interested, and capable of showing up for you consistently.
But getting there requires doing something different. It means taking an honest look at your own patterns, healing old wounds, and being willing to feel uncomfortable as you learn what secure love actually feels like. It means choosing the kind, available person even when your nervous system is screaming that they’re “boring.” It means building a life you love so you’re not using romantic chaos as a distraction.
The work isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely worth it. Because on the other side of these patterns is the possibility of a relationship that doesn’t require you to shrink yourself, hide your needs, or settle for crumbs of attention.
If you’re recognizing yourself in these patterns and you’re ready to break the cycle, individual therapy can help you understand your attachment style, process past relationship trauma, and develop healthier patterns for choosing partners. You don’t have to keep falling for people who can’t catch you. 💕
With over 20 years of experience helping Chicago clients navigate complex relationship dynamics, I’ve seen countless individuals transform their patterns and build the secure, fulfilling relationships they deserve. The work takes time and courage, but you’re worth it.
Ready to stop the cycle? Reach out today to start working toward the relationship you actually want—not just the one that feels familiar.
