Emotionally unavailable men
By: Jennifer Lawal, LPC-NCC
AHh! Falling in love! The euphoric part of a relationship. There is an old, yet a recurring feature of love, where some of our most romantic moments such as; being in love with a lover who lives a whole continent away from you right here in Chicago, one you know can never move to be closer. Or an infatuation with a lover who is married to somebody else and has no desire ever to leave them, a romance with someone dying of an illness that would kill them in a matter of months or the last days of a vacation romance before you have to take a grueling 10-hour flight back home.
Research studies on relationship and love have shown that what unites all of these situations is an external obstacle to love, which paradoxically serves to make our desire more stronger and intense. A person might experience true love or even think that their love is strong in spite of how challenging their situation is. But the reality is, love in those situations is secure because a proper relationship is not possible in the real world and because love is destined to be in some way unrequited or incomplete.
You don’t have to look very far to notice that on the contrary to popular belief, both men and women want the same things out of love. However, for most women, especially those who live in urban cities like Chicago, one of the most common problems women report in their relationships is that they often find themselves in one-sided relationships or falling for unavailable men. For example, men who are in relationships (dating or married), men whose jobs prevent them from being committed to a relationship, those who are emotionally immature, etc.
For most women who find themselves in these situations, one of the easiest things to do is to give their love to someone who doesn’t care at all or one who is emotionally inattentive; however, one of the hardest things to do is to give their love to someone who is committed.
The real question is; why is it so easy to love someone who doesn’t love you back, or someone who isn’t attracted or interested in you; or my favorite— one who is too busy to care or meet your emotional needs? Why do you and thousands of women living in Chicago continue to fall for men, who are unavailable and who would ultimately break your heart/s and leave you devastated?
Here are some common reasons and patterns that might help break the cycle:
Are You Self-Sabotaging?
Yeah, the heart wants what it wants, right? And you did not intend to fall in love with another emotionally unavailable man, but here you are again. Most of us often believe that once we find the right person and make smart decisions, love will be easy and less complicated than other relationships around us.
While that itself is not often enough, for others, there is an allure and almost a high associated with falling in love. Do you find that you are ready to commit and find a committed partner, but also addicted to the chase or the chaotic nature of falling in love with a man who cannot commit? For you the fantasies of the relationships often become more important than the reality.
There is a certain appeal of a one-sided love that prolongs the pursuit and brings a sense of excitement. But the real fact here is that these behaviors tend to stimulate high drama and feelings of thrills that might be covering up other areas of your life that might need attention and support.
Repeating Old Childhood Patterns
Ok, before you start thinking that this is some overused psychobabble, a lot of women who fall for emotionally unavailable men tend to have some issues with attachment early or during their childhood. While some women have emotional baggage that prevents them from getting intimate; therefore, seeking out men who can’t be intimate, others inadvertently seek to recreate unhealthy relationships their parents had.
It is undeniably true that many children suffer from heartbreaking parental neglect and then internalize the neglect–believing that they deserve the bad treatment. As adults, these individuals tend to attract partners who are distant and emotionally unavailable; hence reaffirming the feelings that they are not worthy. Becoming aware of the patterns of how your childhood affects your behaviors and way of thinking is not an easy task.
However, learning about your attachment type and the people you find attractive is crucial to not only dealing with rejection but to your relationship happiness.
You are Unavailable Too
In reality, it can be very difficult to let go of a past relationship. There may be times when you find yourself holding onto past relationship experiences that drown you in painful memories, making it difficult to let go. It is hard to remain optimistic about finding true lasting love after you have experienced betrayal time and time again and you start to believe that being involved with someone who’s unavailable is perceived safe and less likely to be hurt you again. A part of you is aware that they would not leave their partner for you, nor would you want them to. While it can be convenient to disregard any of the risks involved or to examine your own hand-ups which can be genuinely frightening, allowing yourself to do so can create opportunities of forming solid, fulfilling and committed relationships.
It’s no secret that a healthy and productive relationship is relatively easy to attain. I hope by now, you-re beginning to look within and ready to break the cycle holding you back, and open to falling in love with a man who is available and isn’t afraid of commitment.
If you can identify with some of the above signs or you find yourself repeating the same patterns or you are currently in an emotionally unavailable relationship, the good news is, therapy can help break these cycles and provided a greater understanding of your role in these relationships. Choosing one of our therapists can assist you in gaining control of your own emotional needs, and creating the best way for you to build relationships that truly meet your physical and emotional needs.