The Confession
A reader recently shared something she’d never told anyone:
“I love my husband. I really do. But lately, when we’re having sex, I’ve been closing my eyes and imagining he’s Chris Hemsworth. Like, full Thor fantasy β the arms, the accent, everything. It’s the only way I can really get into it anymore. Is something wrong with me? Does this mean I’m not attracted to my husband? WTF is happening?”
First of all β you are not alone. Not even a little.
Second β no, you are not a bad wife. And no, this does not automatically mean your marriage is in trouble.
But it does mean something worth paying attention to. Let’s get into it.
Fantasy During Sex Is Completely Normal
Research consistently shows that the majority of people β in happy relationships, in struggling ones, married, single, all genders β have sexual fantasies that involve someone other than their current partner. This is not a moral failing. It is not evidence of secret desire to leave. It is one of the most common and normal aspects of human sexuality.
The brain is the most powerful sexual organ we have. Fantasy is one of the ways it generates arousal, fills in gaps, and keeps things interesting β especially in long-term relationships where novelty naturally decreases over time. Closing your eyes and imagining Chris Hemsworth doesn’t mean you want to actually be with Chris Hemsworth. It means your brain found a shortcut to arousal.
That’s not betrayal. That’s just how minds work.
So Why Chris Hemsworth? (Or Whoever It Is For You)
Here’s where it gets more interesting. Fantasy objects β the people our minds reach for when we want to amplify arousal β often say more about what we’re craving emotionally or physically than they do about actual desire for that specific person.
Chris Hemsworth specifically tends to represent a particular fantasy archetype: physical confidence, effortless presence, the sense of being chosen by someone undeniably attractive. If that’s who’s showing up in your head, it might be worth asking yourself what qualities he represents that feel absent or dimmed in your current intimate life.
Is it passion? The feeling of being deeply desired? Physical confidence β his, or yours? A sense of excitement and novelty that long-term partnerships inevitably lose some of? The answer to those questions is more useful than the fantasy itself.
When Fantasy Is Fine and When It’s a Signal
There’s a meaningful difference between fantasy as a harmless arousal tool and fantasy as a symptom of something that needs attention in your relationship. Here’s how to tell the difference.
Fantasy is probably fine when: it’s occasional, it enhances your experience with your partner rather than replacing it, you’re still emotionally present with your husband after sex, and you’re not spending more mental energy on the fantasy than on the actual relationship.
Fantasy might be signaling something when: it has become the only way you can get aroused with your partner, you feel emotionally disconnected from your husband during and after sex, you find yourself actively avoiding intimacy with him, or the fantasy is starting to feel more real and satisfying than your actual relationship.
One of these is a normal part of a healthy sex life. The other is your brain trying to tell you something about unmet needs in your marriage.
Which one sounds more like your situation?
The Desire Gap Nobody Talks About
One of the most common and least discussed dynamics in long-term relationships is the slow erosion of sexual desire β not because something is catastrophically wrong, but because familiarity, stress, routine, and the general weight of adult life quietly crowd it out over time.
If you find yourself reaching for a fantasy to get through sex with your husband, it’s worth asking: when did sex stop feeling exciting on its own? Was there a specific shift β a stressful period, a life transition, an argument that never fully resolved β or did it happen so gradually you barely noticed?
Sometimes the fantasy isn’t about Chris Hemsworth at all. It’s about desire itself β the memory of what it felt like to want someone badly, to feel wanted back, to be surprised by your own body’s response. Those feelings don’t have to live only in fantasy. But getting them back into the actual relationship usually requires some honest conversation about what’s changed and what both people need.
This is exactly the kind of thing that comes up in sex and intimacy therapy β not in a clinical, uncomfortable way, but in a “let’s actually talk about what’s going on in your sex life and figure out what would make it better” way.
Do You Have to Tell Your Husband?
This is almost always the first question, so let’s just address it directly: no, you don’t.
Sexual fantasy is private. You are not obligated to narrate the contents of your own mind to your partner, and most therapists would not recommend leading with “honey, I’ve been pretending you’re Thor during sex.” That conversation is unlikely to go well regardless of how evolved your husband is.
What you might consider sharing instead is the feeling underneath the fantasy β that you’ve been feeling less connected during sex lately, or that you miss the excitement you used to feel, or that you’d like to try something different. Those are conversations that can actually move things forward. The specific celebrity is beside the point.
What Can Actually Help
Get curious about what you’re missing.
The fantasy is pointing at something. Instead of judging it, get curious. What does the imagined version of that experience give you that your current sex life doesn’t? More passion? A feeling of being desired? Physical novelty? The answer to that question is information you can actually work with.
Talk about desire, not fantasy.
You don’t have to tell your husband what’s in your head. But you can tell him what you want more of. “I want to feel more desired by you” or “I miss when we used to be more spontaneous” are conversations that can actually change something. Fantasy stays private; desire is something you share.
Introduce novelty intentionally.
One of the main reasons long-term desire fades is that the brain stops producing the neurochemicals of excitement once something becomes deeply familiar. Novelty β new experiences, different environments, breaking routine β restarts that process. This doesn’t have to be dramatic. A date night somewhere neither of you has been, trying something different in the bedroom, even just making eye contact more intentionally can shift the dynamic.
Consider whether the fantasy is covering for something bigger.
If you’ve been going through the motions for a while β in bed and maybe outside it β the Chris Hemsworth fantasy might be the most vivid symptom of a broader disconnection that deserves attention. Not because your marriage is failing, but because most marriages hit periods where both people need to actively re-choose each other. This might be one of those periods.
Related: My Husband Won’t Touch Me Anymore and I Feel Ugly and I’m Not Sexually Attracted To My Husband β if either of those titles resonates, it might be worth a read alongside this one.
A Note on Attraction vs. Desire
These two things get conflated a lot, but they’re actually different β and the distinction matters here.
Attraction is relatively stable. You either find someone physically appealing or you don’t, and that tends not to change dramatically over time unless something significant shifts.
Desire is much more responsive to context. It goes up and down based on stress, emotional connection, how safe and seen you feel, how much effort is going into the relationship, and how much novelty exists. Most long-term couples who struggle with sexual desire aren’t experiencing a failure of attraction β they’re experiencing a failure of conditions. The desire is still there. The context that activates it has quietly eroded.
The good news about that distinction: conditions can change. Desire can come back. But it usually requires intention β from both people.
π When Fantasy Points at Something Real
If the fantasy is starting to feel like more than just a shortcut to arousal β if it’s a sign that something in your intimate life feels missing β talking to a therapist who specializes in sexual intimacy and couples dynamics can help you figure out what’s actually going on and what to do about it. You don’t have to wait until things get worse.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to fantasize about celebrities during sex with my partner?
Yes β completely. Research shows the majority of people in long-term relationships have sexual fantasies involving someone other than their partner. It doesn’t mean you want to leave, and it doesn’t make you a bad partner. It means your brain is doing what brains do.
Does fantasizing about someone else mean I’m not attracted to my husband?
Not necessarily. Attraction and desire are different things. You can still be attracted to your husband while experiencing lower desire in the relationship β and fantasy is often a symptom of desire that isn’t being activated, not a sign that attraction is gone.
Should I tell my husband I fantasize about other people during sex?
Generally, no β not the specifics. What you might share instead is the feeling underneath it: that you’ve been feeling less connected, that you miss excitement, that you’d like something to change. That conversation can actually help. “I’ve been thinking about Chris Hemsworth” is unlikely to.
What does it mean if fantasy is the only way I can get aroused with my partner?
That’s worth paying attention to. When fantasy becomes necessary rather than occasional, it’s often a sign of a desire gap that has grown large enough to need addressing β whether through honest conversation with your partner, working on the conditions that activate desire, or talking to a therapist who works with sexual intimacy.
Can desire come back in a long-term relationship?
Yes β and this is one of the most important things to know. Desire is responsive to conditions, and conditions can change. Many couples who feel like the spark is gone discover it wasn’t gone at all β it was just waiting for the right context to return. But getting there usually requires some intentional effort and often some honest conversation about what each person actually needs.
Can you suggest a book on this topic?
Yes. Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel (see Amazon for pricing) is one of the most widely read and respected books on desire, intimacy, and long-term relationships. Perel speaks directly to exactly this tension β how to keep desire alive when love becomes familiar β and does it in a way that is candid, compassionate, and genuinely useful.
