Gay and considering an open relationship in Chicago?
By: Couples Counseling Staff
LGBT Pride month in Chicago is behind us, but the thoughts of the men that you saw at the parade or fest may not be. It’s natural to be attracted to people other than your partner. In fact, some argue that it’s natural to want to have sex outside of your relationship. But, is an open relationship right for you?
Have you considered sex with someone other than your partner? Ever talked about it with them? Do you know friends or others that have non-monogamous relationships? Maybe you even avoid relationships because of a desire to avoid monogamy?
(By the way, you may hear non-monogamy referred to in any number of ways – open relationships, monogamish relationships, polyamory – all of which have variations in their meaning but include some sexual activity beyond that occurring amongst a couple.)
The term polyamory can include much more of a romantic bond between partners, but earlier uses of the term were often references to sex with others outside of a couple.
The Ethical Slut or pretty much any work by Dan Savage argue the natural course of non-monogamy. They point to non-monogamous relationships in the animal kingdom and in the drive to procreate. They also proport that we, humans, are wired to be non-monogamous. Instead of following this course, however, the agricultural revolution introduced settlements and monogamous relationships.
So, is monogamy fighting the natural way? Or, is sex with others something that is healthy to sacrifice in relationships, just like the choice to sacrifice many other “wants” for the health of your relationship?
These are questions that gay men have faced for some time but continue to be major sticking points in gay relationships. In fact, you’ve heard me write in the past about the ways that LGBT relationships propel cis-gender, straight relationships forward.
Well, this is a perfect example. Gay men have faced this question and now, increasing numbers of Millennials (Rolling Stone estimates as many as 50% of Millennial relationships are non-monogamous.) are considering non-monogamous relationships. Nonetheless, it’s still a sticking point in many gay relationships.
Here’s the catch – non-monogamy is a complicated topic and there isn’t a right answer for all relationships! You and your partner need to come to a decision together. Here are some questions that might assist your conversation:
1. Who benefits? You? Your partner? Both?
1. Who benefits? You? Your partner? Both? Possibly the trickiest part of opening up your relationship is truly understanding how each partner and the relationship can benefit. This stuff isn’t easy, so why are you doing it? Is there something missing for you when you don’t sleep with other people? What about your partner? For some relationships, openness allows members to engage in sexual fantasies and activities that they don’t want to, or can’t, engage in with their partner.
On the other hand, this motivation can sometimes feel threatening to a partner who would like the totality of their partner’s sexuality shared with them.
What do you anticipate feeling when you know that your partner is sleeping with someone else? What do you anticipate feeling when you are? If you choose to open up your relationship, you should also consider how each of you can support the other if difficult feelings arise.
2. When?
For many gay couples, when sex with others occurs is a deciding factor for their sexual relationship agreement (the “contract” between you and your partner that outlines your agreement about non-monogamy.). Some couples decide that sex involving a third or fourth person is ideal. This may be an option if it’s important to you and/or your partner to keep all sex as a shared experience of the relationship.
On the other hand, some people don’t like sex with more than one other person. Further, when, if ever, is it permissible to sleep with other people at times that impact time you would otherwise spend with your partner? Consider this when forming your agreement. Keep in mind, when should not be a question when assessing if it is time for a person to have first gay experiences.
3. With whom?
Sometimes answering this question is a natural by-product of truly understanding your motivations for sex with other people. Maybe there are body types different from that of your partner’s body that you’d like to experiencing sexually? Maybe there are alternative roles you’d like to play sexually? Sometimes these considerations can be addressed through honest communication within the gay relationship; but sometimes, the best answer is openness.
When considering who each partner is permitted to have sex with, you should specifically address sex with friends. What are your expectations here? Are certain friends off-limits? All friends? What would you like to do if emotional feelings develop?
4. Physical Safety?
In the years following the legalization of same-sex marriage, gay couples have gained greater freedom to define their relationships in ways that work for them. But whether a relationship is monogamous, open, or somewhere in between, physical safety still matters.
Regular HIV and other STI testing can also be an important part of an open relationship agreement. Testing frequency may depend on your sexual activity, number of partners, protective practices, and guidance from a qualified medical provider. Chicago offers a number of testing options, including clinics that provide free or reduced-cost services. Some couples choose to test together because it can make conversations about results, safety, and accountability easier.
5. What’s shared?
Before you open up your relationship, you should consider what you’d want to know and what you’d be comfortable sharing. In particular, I’ve heard many clients talk about how their sexual experience outside of their partner changes (positively and negatively) as a result of what they plan to share. So, think about it!
Openness in gay relationships isn’t new. It’s not abnormal. And, it’s complicated. Consider gay couples therapy to navigate these conversations if you seem to hit road blocks on your own. No matter what you decide as a couple, your relationship will be better for having come to a decision together. Questions about opening a relationship often bring up deeper concerns involving trust, shame, emotional safety, and intimacy. Couples navigating those issues may also find our discussion of addressing intimacy without shame in LGBTQ relationships helpful.
If you have questions, call us at 773.598.7797 or send us a confident email through our online electronic form.
Frequently Asked Questions About Gay Open Relationships
Can a gay open relationship be healthy?
Yes. An open relationship can be healthy when both partners genuinely agree to it, communicate honestly, respect established boundaries, and feel emotionally safe. Problems are more likely when one partner feels pressured, agreements remain unclear, or openness is used to avoid deeper relationship concerns.
What rules should gay couples discuss before opening their relationship?
Couples should discuss who is permitted, what kinds of sexual contact are acceptable, where encounters may happen, safer-sex practices, how much information will be shared, and what happens if feelings develop. Agreements should be revisited because needs and comfort levels can change over time.
Can opening a relationship fix intimacy problems?
Usually not by itself. Opening a relationship may create new possibilities, but it can also intensify existing problems involving trust, jealousy, avoidance, or communication. Couples experiencing unresolved intimacy concerns may benefit from addressing those issues before changing the relationship agreement.
Is jealousy normal in an open relationship?
Yes. Jealousy can occur in monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. The important question is how partners respond to it. Honest conversations, reassurance, clear boundaries, and a willingness to revise agreements can help couples manage jealousy without treating it as proof that the relationship has failed.
Can couples therapy help us decide whether to open our relationship?
Yes. LGBTQ-affirming couples therapy can provide a neutral space to explore each partner’s motivations, concerns, boundaries, and expectations. The goal is not to push a couple toward monogamy or non-monogamy, but to help both partners make an informed and mutually respectful decision.