How to Call a Couples Time Out to Avoid a Fight!

3 Couples Time Out Tips

By: Couples Counseling Staff

There isn’t a couple on the planet that hasn’t run into some kind of disagreement over the course of their relationship. Usually these squabbles are minor and get resolved quickly. Other times, though, an argument heats up until it tips into a full-on blowout — name-calling, put-downs, the works.

Is there a way to keep a fight like that from spiraling in the first place? It turns out there is. What follows is a simple rundown of the couples time out, along with a few practical suggestions for making it work. Let’s jump right in.

Calling a Time Out for Couples

One of the most effective ways to stop an argument from escalating into a nasty fight is to use a couples time out — sometimes just called a “break.” The idea may seem intuitive, but there are a few concrete things worth knowing to get the most out of it.

Below you’ll find a short video that walks through three important factors to have in place before you make the proverbial “T” with your hands. Under the video are additional tips that build on what you’ll hear — think of them as tools to call on the next time things get heated.

Couples Time Out Video

1) Time Outs Are Sacred

When one person in the relationship calls for a break, it has to be treated as sacred. Both partners should talk through the guidelines for a time out in advance, so that when an argument does flare up later, the ground rules are already in place.

A few things to keep in mind under this point:

• Sacred means non-negotiable. When the time out is called, both people stop the discussion on the spot.
• A break can run anywhere from 1 hour to 24 hours. It helps to pre-determine an initial length together — most couples land somewhere around 5 or 6 hours, but it depends on your situation.
• If one of you needs to extend the break beyond the agreed time, that request gets honored. Example: you’ve agreed on a 5-hour break. An argument pops up and gets heated, so you call a time out. At the five-hour mark, your partner realizes they need the full 24 hours because they’re still too angry to talk. The break now extends from 5 hours to 24.

2) Time Outs = Processing Time

The second thing to remember is simple: the break is for processing what you’re feeling. A time out isn’t cover for a hidden agenda — an excuse to go shopping, head out fishing, or do whatever else you’d rather be doing. Processing means giving yourself measured space to understand your own feelings, and to consider where your partner is coming from.

A few things to keep in mind under this point:

• Check yourself for hurtful things you said that had nothing to do with the actual disagreement.
• Check your tone. Was it nasty? Were you talking down to your partner? If so, it may help to start learning more about active listening.
• It’s fine to leave the house to clear your head, but let your partner know where you’re going and roughly when you’ll be back. A time out isn’t a permission slip to disappear all night.

3) Revisit the Disagreement With Purpose

Once the agreed-upon time has passed (say, those 5 hours) and both of you are ready to revisit the topic, it’s time to resume the conversation — not the ugly version from before, but a real discussion.

A few tips under this point:

• Come back with open ears and, if you can manage it, an open heart.
• Listen to what your partner is actually saying, and steer clear of name-calling.
• Avoid the passive-aggressive habits that may be part of your usual dynamic.

Final Thoughts

If you and your partner decide to build time outs into your relationship, you’re doing a lot to create positive change in the way the two of you communicate. We like to think of a time out as breaking the proverbial emergency glass and pulling the fire alarm — it’s meant for the crisis moments when an argument is about to boil over.

That said, time outs aren’t a magic fix for deeply ingrained relationship problems. If you’re dealing with serious, recurring conflict that has the potential to break up your marriage, couples therapy is worth considering as a path toward healing. You can learn more about what to expect in this post.

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