Rebound Relationships
By: Alex DeWoskin, LCSW
This is a topic that has come up in my Lakeview Chicago couples therapy office a few times of late. A client comes in devastated by the abrupt end of a relatively new relationship. They felt adored, things progressed quickly, and plans for future dates were scheduled.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, their partner ends the relationship without explanation or seemingly an understanding of why their feelings have taken an about change. While it’s not unusual for relationships to end, I decided to probe deeper to see why this pattern might be popping up so frequently.
One similarity is that many of these relationships were with someone recently out of another long-term relationship. As I researched, I discovered the Rebound Relationship phenomenon.
A person on the rebound becomes involved in a relationship shortly following the end of a previous one. Those on the rebound might still be distressed, angry, or sad. They may be seeking to avoid facing the feelings of loss, grief, and/or rejection (learn more about the best grief counseling options in Chicago here).
Thus, they may put off dealing and enter into a new relationship from a place of weakness rather than strength. The rebound relationship may take up the space that was left by the previous relationship and provide distraction from loss rather, which negates the potential for healing and learning.
A rebound relationship may ease the hurt, shame, and pain of a break-up and provide a distraction. But, about 90 percent of rebound relationships end, and often last under two months.
Emotional availability comes into question and whether there is the capacity to be devoted to a new partner or make good decisions in choosing one. Often a fear of being alone can also motivate someone to jump back into the dating scene.
Being blinded by emotion from the ex while pursuing a new relationship and not fairly or slowly getting to know the other person can cause the rebounder to ignore what normally would bother them. In many ways, it can feel like cheating.
Rose Colored Glasses
They may wear rose-colored glasses so to speak. Issues they would normally be a problem for them are swept under the rug as they focus on trying to make this relationship work no matter what. This type of magical thinking doesn’t usually work. And issues always resurface at some point. When the initial fun and excitement of the new relationship wears off, they find themselves confronted with what they’ve not dealt with.
A healthy relationship should have time to build. With a rebound relationship, it doesn’t feel this way. Instead, there’s a pattern of sealing the deal as soon as possible.
Dates are frequent right off the bat. There seems to be a projection of feelings for the previous partner onto your new one, and this makes them feel like they’ve fallen in love with them in record time. Sometimes, a person on the rebound will deliberately seek out a new partner who makes a strong effort at courtship and showers the rebounding individual with interest and affection.
Having someone who treats you special can certainly be uplifting, especially in the aftermath of heartache. At the same time, it’s important to consider whether you’re in the new relationship because the attention feels good, or you’re sincerely interested in building a new, strong partnership.
Rebounders may seem to fall very hard, very fast, for someone new. As exciting as it may be to have someone love you, want you, and need you so much, if it’s not based on honesty, it won’t last. And this kind of rush is never truly honest. Love takes time.
If your rebounder has fallen in love with you one week after meeting you, it’s probably not the real thing. Forming a connection to another person so quickly can prevent experiencing the full extent of the emotional pain associated with a previous loss.
Rebound relationships are defined by more than just speed. A person who is rebounding may be trying to avoid feeling their feelings about the breakup they just went through.
Fixating on someone new is a great way to do that, in theory. The rebounder steeped in denial, plus moving so fast, they never stop to learn, or grow, from what was left behind.
The wisest thing for most to do after a tough breakup is to give yourself some me time and time to grieve and heal. Breaking up can be hard and taking time for self-care and healing before moving into a new partnership is the heathiest thing you can do to prepare you for healthy relationships moving forward. Every relationship offers numerous lessons, and it is healthy to take time and analyze your share of the responsibility in the failure of the relationship.
Too Soon, Too Fast?
If you got into a rebound too fast, there is a fair chance that you will make the same mistakes you made in the previous relationship. You now have some time and the opportunity to be more independent. If there’s something you wanted to do, but you couldn’t because of your relationship, you are available to do it. It’s okay to get into casual flings or dates, but don’t rush into a serious relationship if you can avoid it.
The clearer your vision, the more likely you’ll meet the love of your life. Some people will spend a good while living the single life. They may have some casual dates here and there, but they’re making this period a time to grow and to find themselves.
Rebound relationships are usually doomed to fail. But they can have a better chance of working if the previous relationship was short-term, the previous relationship ended on good terms, the person on the rebound ended the relationship themselves, a partner is open and honest with the new partner about the recent breakup and the reasons for it, a partner knows with all certainty that the previous relationship is 100% over and has grieved it, and they are fully engaged in the new relationship.
What are some signs you are on the rebound or entering a relationship with a rebounder:
- Rushed relationships where enough time is not given to truly know your new partner. You may soon discover they have problems or quirks that you don’t like, or the relationship can go sour fast once your emotions from your previous relationship begin to stabilize.
- When one calls the new partner mostly while feeling sad, lonely or empty. Conversely, one might forget or neglect the new partner when happy.
- The rebounding partner makes a concerted effort to show off the new partner to her or his ex. This may occur via social networking, social functions, or in front of friends and acquaintances of the ex.
- Projecting traits of ex onto the new partner. Here, the rebounding person may consciously or subconsciously look for characteristics from a new partner that reminds her or him of the old partner.
- Not Including the New Partner in your inner circle
If it is you on the rebound, grieving and taking some time to process what happened, where you went wrong and want you need to improve about yourself (to avoid it happening with the next person) is a natural part of healing after a relationship break up. After you fix your issues and improve yourself, it is important that you get out there and start having some fun with new people.
Moving Forward
If you’ve done it (fixing your issues and improving yourself) correctly, then you will be going out there with confidence and belief in yourself, which will naturally make potential partners feel attraction for you.
However, if you go out there will a bunch of insecurities running through your head, the quality potential partners will naturally be turned off by your emotional weakness. This may be an indication that one on one relationship counseling may be in order.
If you enter into a quick relationship after a break up and want some potential for success, it is essential that you moderate your expectations for the new relationship. Take it slow and take time to really know your new partner. It is important that you are in it for positive reasons.
If you still want your ex back, a rebound relationship isn’t going to help get them back or help you move on. You should be cut off from your ex entirely and avoid any form of communication or hook ups with them.
This is the only way the new relationship will succeed. The purpose is to enjoy the new relationship; it is a new beginning, not a replacement of the old.
But, if you find yourself struggling to move on or deal with loss, you can seek out the help of a professional counselor, pastor, or rebound relationship podcast or book.
