10 Warning Signs of Narcissistic Behavior in Marriage

Originally written 2015|Updated December 2025

If you’re questioning whether your spouse exhibits narcissistic traits, you’re not alone. Many people in Chicago and beyond seek individual relationship counseling because they’re struggling with a partner who displays self-centered, emotionally unavailable, or manipulative behaviors.

Understanding narcissism—and recognizing its warning signs—can help you make informed decisions about your relationship and your wellbeing. This guide explores the characteristics of narcissistic personality patterns in marriage and provides guidance on coping strategies and next steps.

Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Before identifying specific behaviors, it’s important to understand what narcissism actually means in a clinical context.

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a recognized mental health condition listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), published by the American Psychiatric Association. People with NPD demonstrate a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins in early adulthood and occurs across various contexts.

It’s crucial to distinguish between:

• Narcissistic traits: Self-centered behaviors that many people display occasionally, especially under stress
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder: A diagnosable mental health condition with specific, persistent criteria

Using “narcissist” casually can minimize the serious impact of true NPD. Only qualified mental health professionals can diagnose personality disorders through comprehensive clinical assessment.

Why Narcissism Matters in Relationships

Narcissistic behavior—whether it meets clinical diagnosis or not—profoundly affects intimate relationships. Partners of people with narcissistic traits often experience:

• Emotional exhaustion from one-sided relationships
• Confusion about reality (gaslighting)
• Loss of self-esteem and identity
• Isolation from friends and family
• Anxiety and depression
• Self-blame for relationship problems

If you’re experiencing these effects, understanding narcissistic patterns can validate your experience and help you seek appropriate support.

The 10 Warning Signs of Narcissistic Behavior in Marriage

The following characteristics are adapted from the DSM-5-TR diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If your spouse consistently demonstrates five or more of these patterns across different situations and over time, they may have narcissistic traits or NPD.

Important note: These signs are for educational purposes and should not be used for self-diagnosis. If you’re concerned about your relationship, consult with a qualified therapist who specializes in personality disorders and relationship dynamics.

1. Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance

What it looks like: Your partner exaggerates their achievements, talents, or importance far beyond reality. They expect to be recognized as superior even when accomplishments don’t warrant it.

Examples in marriage:

• Claims to be the “best” at their job despite evidence to the contrary
• Expects special treatment in restaurants, stores, or social situations
• Describes themselves as uniquely gifted or talented without justification
• Minimizes others’ achievements while inflating their own
• Takes credit for team accomplishments or your contributions

Impact on you: You may feel your own accomplishments are diminished or dismissed. Your partner’s grandiosity can be exhausting to maintain, especially when you’re expected to constantly validate their self-image.

2. Preoccupation with Fantasies of Success, Power, or Beauty

What it looks like: Your spouse lives in a fantasy world where they’re more successful, powerful, attractive, or brilliant than reality supports. These aren’t occasional daydreams but consuming preoccupations.

Examples in marriage:

• Constantly talks about their “inevitable” future success despite making no progress
• Believes they’re destined for fame, wealth, or recognition
• Fantasizes about being with someone “more attractive” or “more worthy”
• Lives beyond their means to project an image of success
• Makes unrealistic plans that ignore practical limitations

Impact on you: You might feel pressure to support unrealistic fantasies or be blamed when reality doesn’t match their expectations. Financial problems often result from attempts to maintain the fantasy lifestyle.

3. Belief They’re “Special” and Only Understood by Elite Others

What it looks like: Your partner believes they’re so unique that only other “special” or high-status people can truly understand them. They may seek association with prestigious institutions or accomplished individuals.

Examples in marriage:

• Dismisses your concerns with “you just don’t get me”
• Associates only with people they consider high-status
• Name-drops constantly about connections with important people
• Looks down on “ordinary” people, including friends or family
• Refuses advice from anyone they don’t consider their equal

Impact on you: You may feel emotionally isolated and disconnected from your partner. They might treat you as inferior or unworthy of understanding their “complex” inner world.

4. Excessive Need for Admiration

What it looks like: Your spouse requires constant, excessive praise and validation. Their need for admiration is insatiable—no amount is ever enough.

Examples in marriage:

• Fishing for compliments constantly
• Becoming upset when not the center of attention
• Requiring daily affirmation of their attractiveness, intelligence, or abilities
• Seeking validation from social media, often excessively
• Becoming sullen or angry when praise isn’t forthcoming
• Rarely or never complimenting you in return

Impact on you: Providing constant admiration becomes exhausting. You may feel like your role is to be their personal cheerleader rather than an equal partner. Your own needs for recognition go unmet.

5. Sense of Entitlement

What it looks like: Your partner believes they deserve special treatment, favors, or automatic compliance with their expectations—simply because of who they are.

Examples in marriage:

• Expects you to drop everything to meet their needs
• Believes rules don’t apply to them
• Becomes outraged when not given preferential treatment
• Assumes their priorities automatically trump yours
• Demands your time and energy without reciprocating
• Feels “owed” things without having earned them

Impact on you: Your needs consistently come second. You may feel like a servant rather than a spouse, constantly accommodating their demands while receiving little consideration in return.

6. Interpersonally Exploitative Behavior

What it looks like: Your spouse takes advantage of others—including you—to achieve their own ends. They use people as means to their goals with little regard for the impact.

Examples in marriage:

• Uses your connections, resources, or talents for their benefit
• Manipulates situations to get what they want
• Exploits your vulnerabilities or insecurities
• Uses guilt, shame, or obligation to control you
• Takes credit for your work or ideas
• Pressures you into uncomfortable situations for their advantage

Impact on you: You may feel used and depleted. The relationship feels one-sided, with you giving far more than you receive. Over time, you might lose touch with your own needs and boundaries.

7. Lack of Empathy

What it looks like: Your partner is unwilling or unable to recognize, acknowledge, or respond appropriately to your feelings and needs. This isn’t occasional insensitivity but a consistent pattern.

Examples in marriage:

• Dismisses or minimizes your emotions (“you’re too sensitive”)
• Shows no remorse when their actions hurt you
• Cannot understand why you’re upset, even when explained clearly
• Changes the subject when you express emotional needs
• Shows compassion only when it serves their interests
• Displays no concern during your struggles or crises

Impact on you: This may be the most damaging characteristic. Without empathy, you experience profound loneliness within the marriage. You may stop sharing your feelings altogether, leading to emotional disconnection and depression. This pattern often constitutes emotional abuse.

8. Envious of Others or Believes Others Are Envious of Them

What it looks like: Your spouse experiences intense jealousy when others succeed or receive attention. Conversely, they believe others are envious of their success, looks, or possessions.

Examples in marriage:

• Becomes visibly upset when friends, family, or colleagues achieve success
• Disparages or devalues others’ accomplishments
• Assumes people’s negative reactions stem from jealousy
• Cannot genuinely celebrate others’ good fortune
• Attributes others’ success to luck, cheating, or unfair advantages
• Expects you to be jealous of them or feels threatened when you’re not

Impact on you: You may find yourself downplaying your own successes to avoid triggering jealousy or anger. Celebrating achievements becomes complicated, and you might feel guilty for experiencing good fortune.

9. Arrogant, Haughty Behaviors or Attitudes

What it looks like: Your partner displays consistent arrogance, superiority, and disdain toward others. This manifests in both verbal and non-verbal communication.

Examples in marriage:

• Talks down to service workers, colleagues, or “inferiors”
• Mocks or ridicules people they consider beneath them
• Displays condescending body language or tone
• Believes their opinions are facts while others’ are ignorant
• Cannot admit mistakes or acknowledge when they’re wrong
• Treats your thoughts, feelings, or opinions as invalid or stupid

Impact on you: You may feel embarrassed by their behavior in public settings. Over time, their condescension toward you erodes self-esteem and can lead to questioning your own judgment and worth.

10. Pattern Present Since Early Adulthood

What it looks like: These behaviors aren’t recent developments or responses to stress—they’ve been present throughout your partner’s adult life. For a true personality disorder diagnosis, the pattern must be pervasive and long-standing.

Examples in marriage:

• Stories from their past reveal similar patterns with previous partners
• Family members or old friends describe the same behaviors
• Work history shows repeated conflicts or relationship problems
• The behaviors aren’t limited to your marriage but appear in all relationships
• They’ve “always been this way,” according to those who’ve known them longest

Why this matters: If narcissistic behaviors only emerged recently, other factors may be at play—stress, medical conditions, substance use, or mental health issues like depression. These situations may be more treatable than long-standing personality patterns. Understanding the timeline helps determine appropriate interventions.

The Impact of Living with Narcissistic Behavior

Being in a relationship with someone who displays narcissistic traits takes a profound toll on your mental, emotional, and sometimes physical health.

Common Effects on Partners

Emotional and Psychological Impact:

• Chronic stress and anxiety
• Depression and feelings of hopelessness
• Loss of self-esteem and confidence
• Confusion about reality (gaslighting effects)
• Difficulty trusting your own perceptions
• Emotional numbness or shutdown

Relational Impact:

• Isolation from friends and family
• Loss of independent identity
• Difficulty making decisions without approval
• Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict
• Feeling responsible for their emotions and reactions

Physical Impact:

• Sleep disturbances
• Stress-related health problems
• Changes in appetite or weight
• Chronic fatigue
• Tension headaches or body pain

Why It’s So Difficult to Leave

Many people wonder why partners of narcissists don’t “just leave.” The reality is far more complex:

• Intermittent reinforcement: Occasional kindness or love-bombing keeps hope alive
• Financial dependence: Narcissists often control finances
• Isolation: Limited support network after years of isolation
• Self-doubt: Constant criticism erodes confidence in decision-making
• Fear of retaliation: Narcissists often react extremely to perceived abandonment
• Children: Concerns about co-parenting or custody battles
• Love and hope: Memories of better times and hope for change

If you’re struggling to leave, you’re not weak—you’re dealing with a complex psychological situation that requires support and resources.

Can Narcissists Change? Understanding Treatment

This is perhaps the most important question partners ask: “Can my spouse change?”

The Difficult Truth About NPD Treatment

Research on treating Narcissistic Personality Disorder reveals several challenges:

Low treatment engagement: People with NPD rarely seek therapy voluntarily because they don’t perceive problems with themselves—only with others. When they do enter therapy, it’s often to address depression, anxiety, or relationship consequences rather than the underlying personality patterns.

Slow, limited progress: Even with motivated clients, personality disorders are deeply ingrained patterns that developed over decades. Change is possible but requires years of committed therapeutic work, not months.

Resistance to feedback: The core features of NPD (lack of empathy, defensiveness, inability to see one’s flaws) directly interfere with therapy’s effectiveness.

When Therapy May Help

Therapy is most likely to produce change when:

• The person genuinely recognizes their behaviors are problematic
• They’re motivated to change for internal reasons (not just to keep you)
• They commit to long-term treatment (years, not months)
• The therapist specializes in personality disorders
• They’re willing to examine deeply held beliefs about themselves

Research suggests schema therapy, mentalization-based therapy, and transference-focused psychotherapy show the most promise for NPD, but success rates remain modest.

Couples Therapy Considerations

Couples therapy is generally not recommended when one partner has NPD or strong narcissistic traits, especially if:

• There’s a pattern of emotional or psychological abuse
• The narcissistic partner uses sessions to further manipulate or gaslight
• They show no genuine insight into their behaviors
• You feel unsafe expressing your true feelings

Many therapists recommend individual therapy for the non-narcissistic partner first, to build strength and clarity before considering couples work.

Coping Strategies and Next Steps

If you’re in a relationship with someone displaying narcissistic traits, here are constructive steps you can take:

1. Seek Individual Support

Working with a therapist experienced in narcissistic abuse and relationship dynamics is crucial. Individual relationship counseling helps you:

• Process your experiences and validate your reality
• Rebuild self-esteem and confidence
• Develop healthy boundaries
• Gain clarity about your options
• Create safety plans if needed
• Work through trauma from emotional abuse

2. Establish and Maintain Boundaries

Boundaries are essential for protecting your wellbeing:

• Identify what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate
• Communicate boundaries clearly and calmly
• Follow through with consequences when boundaries are violated
• Don’t expect them to agree with or respect your boundaries—enforce them anyway
• Recognize that setting boundaries may escalate conflict initially

3. Build Your Support Network

Narcissists often isolate their partners. Reconnecting with support is vital:

• Reach out to friends or family you’ve lost touch with
• Join support groups for partners of narcissists
• Maintain connections your partner disapproves of (safely)
• Build a life outside the relationship

4. Practice Self-Care

Prioritize your physical and emotional health:

• Engage in activities that restore your sense of self
• Exercise, sleep, and nutrition support mental health
• Pursue hobbies and interests independently
• Consider meditation or mindfulness practices
• Journal to process emotions and track patterns

5. Educate Yourself

Understanding narcissism helps you recognize patterns and protect yourself:

• Read reputable books and resources (see recommendations below)
• Learn about manipulation tactics (gaslighting, DARVO, love-bombing)
• Understand trauma bonding and why leaving is difficult
• Research your legal and financial options

6. Consider Your Options

Depending on your situation, options may include:

• Staying with clear boundaries: If abuse isn’t present and you choose to stay
• Trial separation: Creating space to gain perspective
• Divorce or permanent separation: Prioritizing your long-term wellbeing
• Legal protection: Restraining orders if there’s a safety threat

A therapist can help you evaluate which option is safest and most appropriate for your situation.

If You’re Considering Leaving

Ending a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits requires careful planning. Narcissists often react intensely to perceived abandonment, which can escalate conflict.

Safety Planning

Before leaving, consider:

• Consulting with a therapist or domestic violence advocate
• Securing important documents (birth certificates, financial records, etc.)
• Opening separate bank accounts if possible
• Documenting abusive behaviors (save emails, texts, journal incidents)
• Creating a support network aware of your plans
• Consulting with a divorce attorney before announcing your decision

What to Expect

Narcissists often cycle through predictable responses when you leave:

• Love-bombing: Excessive affection and promises to change
• Rage: Anger at being “abandoned” or losing control
• Smear campaigns: Telling others you’re the problem
• Hoovering: Attempts to pull you back into the relationship
• Playing victim: Portraying themselves as wronged

Understanding these patterns helps you stay resolved through the separation process.

Co-Parenting Considerations

If you have children, co-parenting with a narcissist presents unique challenges:

• Use parallel parenting instead of co-parenting (minimal direct communication)
• Document all interactions and agreements
• Use court-approved communication apps if possible
• Keep boundaries firm around parenting decisions
• Work with a therapist to protect children’s emotional wellbeing
• Consider involving a parenting coordinator if court-approved

Recommended Resources

These books provide deeper understanding and practical strategies:

Understanding Narcissism

• “Why Is It Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism” by Sandy Hotchkiss – Explores core narcissistic traits and their impact on relationships
• “Disarming the Narcissist” by Wendy Behary – Practical communication strategies for dealing with narcissistic behavior
• “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by Ramani Durvasula – Helps you evaluate your relationship and make informed decisions

Leaving and Recovery

• “Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder” by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger – Essential guide for high-conflict divorces
• “Psychopath Free” by Jackson MacKenzie – Recovery from toxic relationships (despite the title, applies to narcissistic relationships)
• “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists” by Eleanor Payson – Understanding and recovering from narcissistic relationships

For Healing and Moving Forward

• “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker – Addresses trauma from emotional abuse
• “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend – Building healthy boundaries in all relationships

When to Seek Immediate Help

Seek professional support immediately if you’re experiencing:

• Thoughts of self-harm or suicide
• Physical violence or threats
• Stalking or harassment
• Financial abuse that leaves you without resources
• Isolation that prevents you from getting help

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (available 24/7)

Finding Support in Chicago

If you’re in the Chicago area and believe you’re in a relationship with someone displaying narcissistic traits, Couples Counseling Chicago offers individual relationship counseling to help you navigate this difficult situation.

Our experienced therapists understand the unique challenges of narcissistic relationships and provide:

• Compassionate, non-judgmental support
• Help processing your experiences and emotions
• Guidance on setting boundaries and making decisions
• Support whether you choose to stay or leave
• Tools for healing and rebuilding your sense of self

Take the first step:

• Call: 773-598-7797
• Visit: 655 W. Irving Park Rd, Suite #203, Chicago, IL 60613
• Contact: Fill out our confidential contact form

We offer both in-person sessions in our Lakeview office and secure virtual therapy throughout Illinois.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Support

If you’re reading this article because you recognize these patterns in your relationship, please know:

• Your feelings and experiences are valid – Even if your partner dismisses them
• You’re not responsible for their behavior – Personality disorders aren’t caused by partners
• You’re not alone – Many people experience these relationship dynamics
• Help is available – Therapists experienced in narcissistic abuse can support you
• Your wellbeing matters – Prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish

Whether you choose to stay in the relationship with boundaries, seek couples therapy (with appropriate precautions), or leave, working with a qualified therapist can help you make the healthiest decision for your situation and support you through the process.

Living with narcissistic behavior is emotionally exhausting and isolating. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can someone with narcissistic traits change?

Change is possible but rare and requires the person to genuinely recognize their behaviors are problematic, commit to long-term therapy (years, not months), and work with a therapist specializing in personality disorders. Most people with NPD don’t seek treatment because they don’t perceive problems with themselves. Even with treatment, progress is typically slow and limited. You cannot change them—only they can choose to change themselves.

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist?

A truly healthy, reciprocal relationship with someone who has NPD is extremely difficult. If you choose to stay, focus on strong boundaries, maintaining your support network, prioritizing self-care, and working with a therapist. However, be realistic about limitations—the relationship will likely remain one-sided, and emotional intimacy may always be limited. Some people find ways to coexist, but it requires constant management and often involves significant personal compromise.

How do I know if my partner is truly a narcissist or just going through a difficult time?

True narcissistic personality patterns are pervasive (show up across all areas of life), persistent (present since early adulthood), and don’t significantly improve with changing circumstances. If behaviors are recent or situational—triggered by job stress, health issues, or life transitions—other factors may be at play. A mental health professional can help differentiate between temporary stress responses, other mental health conditions, and personality disorders.

Will couples therapy help if my partner is narcissistic?

Couples therapy is generally not recommended when one partner has NPD or strong narcissistic traits, especially if there’s emotional abuse. Narcissists often use therapy sessions to manipulate, gaslight, or gain ammunition against their partners. Individual therapy for the non-narcissistic partner is typically more beneficial first. Some therapists will work with couples if the narcissistic partner shows genuine insight and motivation, but this is rare.

Why is it so hard to leave a narcissistic relationship?

Leaving is difficult because of trauma bonding (intermittent reinforcement creates powerful psychological attachment), isolation from support networks, financial dependence, eroded self-esteem making decision-making difficult, fear of the narcissist’s reaction, concerns about children, and genuine love mixed with hope for change. These factors aren’t signs of weakness—they’re normal psychological responses to an abnormal situation. Professional support makes leaving safer and more manageable.

What is narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a pattern of emotional and psychological manipulation used to maintain control over a partner. Common tactics include gaslighting (making you question reality), love-bombing followed by devaluation, withholding affection or communication, excessive criticism, isolation from support, financial control, and blame-shifting. Over time, this abuse erodes self-esteem, creates confusion, and makes leaving difficult. It’s a form of emotional abuse that can cause significant psychological trauma.

How do I protect my children if I’m married to a narcissist?

Protecting children involves validating their experiences and emotions, maintaining your own emotional health (children benefit from having at least one stable parent), setting boundaries around how your spouse treats the children, working with a therapist who understands family dynamics with narcissism, documenting concerning behaviors for potential custody proceedings, and teaching children emotional intelligence and boundary-setting skills. If divorcing, parallel parenting (minimal direct communication) often works better than traditional co-parenting.

Should I tell my narcissistic partner what I’ve discovered about NPD?

Generally, no. People with NPD typically react defensively to suggestions they have a personality disorder. They may become enraged, engage in gaslighting (“you’re the crazy one”), launch a smear campaign, or use the information to manipulate you further. Instead, focus on working with your own therapist, setting boundaries based on behaviors (not diagnoses), and making decisions about your future. Only licensed professionals should diagnose personality disorders.

What’s the difference between someone who’s self-centered and someone with NPD?

Everyone behaves self-centeredly sometimes, especially under stress. NPD involves a pervasive, inflexible pattern present since early adulthood that causes significant impairment in relationships and functioning. Someone with narcissistic traits might be capable of empathy in some situations, show remorse when it’s genuine, respond to feedback, and maintain some reciprocal relationships. True NPD involves consistent inability across contexts and relationships. The degree, persistence, and rigidity of patterns distinguish traits from disorder.

Where can I find support groups for partners of narcissists?

Support options include online forums and communities (like r/NarcissisticAbuse on Reddit), in-person support groups through local mental health organizations or domestic violence agencies, therapy groups specifically for survivors of narcissistic abuse (ask therapists about availability), and Al-Anon groups (originally for families of alcoholics, but many principles apply to narcissistic relationships). Your therapist can also recommend local resources specific to your area.

How long does it take to recover after leaving a narcissistic relationship?

Recovery timelines vary widely based on relationship length, abuse severity, available support, and individual factors. Many people report feeling significantly better within 6-12 months of no contact, though deeper healing often takes 2-3 years or more. Recovery isn’t linear—expect ups and downs. Working with a trauma-informed therapist, maintaining no contact when possible, building strong support networks, and engaging in self-care accelerates healing. Be patient with yourself—the impacts of narcissistic abuse can be profound.

—

This article is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and should not replace professional diagnosis or treatment. If you’re experiencing abuse or have concerns about your relationship, please consult with a qualified mental health professional.

Updated December 2025 | Couples Counseling Chicago serves individuals and couples throughout Chicago’s North Side, including Lakeview, Lincoln Park, Boystown, and surrounding neighborhoods.