Originally published: February 1, 2022
Last updated: December 7, 2025
Understanding Loss of Attraction in Marriage
Losing physical attraction to your husband is one of the most unsettling experiences in marriage, yet it’s far more common than most people realize. If you’re struggling with this issue, you’re not alone, and importantly, you’re not a bad person for having these feelings.
The truth is that no one in history has maintained consistent, overwhelming attraction to their partner exclusively throughout the entire course of a long-term relationship. Attraction naturally ebbs and flows in even the healthiest marriages. However, when these feelings persist or intensify, they deserve your attention and understanding.
First Step: Pause Before Making Drastic Decisions
If you’re experiencing decreased attraction to your husband somewhat frequently and find it distressing, the most important first step is to avoid taking any drastic action. Leaving your marriage, initiating separation, or making ultimatums should not be your immediate response to this complex issue.
Instead, approach this challenge with curiosity and self-compassion. Ask yourself why you might be feeling or thinking this way. What changed? When did you first notice these feelings? Understanding the root cause is essential before determining the best path forward.
The Comparison Trap: Managing External Attractions
One of the most common factors contributing to decreased attraction in marriage is the inevitable comparison to other people. We live in a world saturated with idealized images of bodies, relationships, and sexual experiences. Social media, advertising, and entertainment constantly present unrealistic standards that can make any real person seem less attractive by comparison.
It’s completely normal to notice attractive people in your daily life. We cannot control our immediate thoughts and feelings when someone with appealing physical features crosses our path. The key distinction lies in how long we dwell on these observations and what meaning we assign to them.
While there will always be someone with better abs, whiter teeth, or more free time to maintain their physique than your spouse, fixating on these comparisons erodes your marriage. The person you committed to loving doesn’t deserve to be constantly measured against an impossible standard or fleeting attractions.
Reframing Physical Attraction
If you haven’t already, try exploring which physical aspects of your husband you still find somewhat attractive. Many people fall into rigid, all-or-nothing thinking: either they’re completely attracted or completely unattracted to their partner. Reality is far more nuanced.
Challenge yourself to complicate this binary perspective. If this is the person you committed to loving for the long term, and there are no other significant relationship issues, it may be worth examining and even challenging your beliefs about what makes someone attractive.
Consider these reflection questions:
- What physical features of your husband first drew you to him?
- Are there aspects of his appearance that you’ve taken for granted?
- How have cultural and media influences shaped your definition of attractiveness?
- Can you identify any physical characteristics—his hands, eyes, smile, or physique—that still appeal to you?
Sometimes we lose sight of what we found attractive in our partners simply because familiarity has dulled our perception. Intentionally focusing on positive physical attributes can help restore some of the attraction that may still exist beneath the surface.
Attraction as a Symptom of Deeper Issues
Your decreased attraction could be a symptom of a larger breakdown in emotional connection within your relationship. Fortunately, these underlying issues are often treatable through couples counseling or individual therapy.
Physical attraction in long-term relationships rarely exists in isolation from emotional intimacy. When emotional connection deteriorates, physical attraction often follows. Consider whether any of these scenarios resonate with you:
Unmet Needs in the Relationship
Are there fundamental needs that aren’t being met in your marriage? These might include:
- Emotional support and validation
- Quality time together
- Meaningful conversation and intellectual connection
- Shared experiences and adventures
- Feeling valued and appreciated
When these core needs go unaddressed for extended periods, it’s natural for physical attraction to diminish as well.
Behavioral Patterns Affecting Attraction
Is there something your husband habitually does that impacts how you see him? These behaviors might range from minor annoyances to more significant concerns:
Minor irritations like leaving the toilet seat up, forgetting to clean up after himself, poor hygiene habits, or neglecting household responsibilities can accumulate over time and erode attraction.
More serious patterns such as frequent substance use, emotional unavailability, lack of ambition, financial irresponsibility, or major value discrepancies can fundamentally alter how you perceive your partner. If you find yourself in a situation where your partner’s behavior is deeply troubling, you might benefit from reading our post on being in love with someone whose actions concern you.
Recent Disappointments or Betrayals
Has there been a recent disappointment, conflict, or betrayal in your relationship? Sometimes a single significant event can cause you to retreat emotionally and view your partner through a completely different lens. The loss of trust, respect, or emotional safety can manifest as decreased physical attraction.
If infidelity or betrayal is part of your story, addressing the underlying issues causing your feelings is crucial before judging whether the lack of attraction is permanent or situational.
Focusing on Inner Qualities That Attract
While examining what might be diminishing your attraction, it’s equally important to notice what aspects of your husband’s personality, character, or values remain attractive to you.
If there’s no glaring ongoing conflict between you, you may have simply lost sight of the positive qualities that drew you to him initially. These might include:
- His sense of humor and ability to make you laugh
- His dedication to family or career
- His kindness and compassion toward others
- His intelligence and problem-solving abilities
- His values and integrity
- His loyalty and commitment to the relationship
- His skills, talents, or passions
This doesn’t mean you should minimize your concerns about decreased physical attraction by only focusing on gratitude. However, reconnecting with the internal qualities that attracted you to him can sometimes help restore a sense of longing and appreciation that was present earlier in your relationship.
The Intimacy Stalemate: Do You Feel Attractive to Him?
An often-overlooked factor in decreased attraction is whether you feel attractive to your husband. Many couples fall into an intimacy stalemate where both partners withhold physical affection and attention from each other.
In these situations, it becomes less important to determine “who started it” and more effective to examine the overall pattern. What often happens is that two people who may still be physically drawn to each other have withheld intimacy for so long that they’ve convinced themselves the spark is gone.
Consider these questions:
- Does your husband express attraction to you?
- When was the last time he complimented your appearance or initiated physical intimacy?
- Do you feel desired, valued, and attractive in his eyes?
- Have you been withdrawing from intimacy out of hurt, resentment, or fear of rejection?
Sometimes what appears to be a lack of attraction is actually a defensive response to feeling undesired yourself. Approaching this from a “we” perspective—acknowledging that both partners contribute to the intimacy cycle—can be more productive than placing blame.
If communication about intimacy feels difficult, couples counseling can provide a safe space to address these vulnerable topics. You might also find our article on when your partner doesn’t want intimacy helpful, though it addresses hygiene issues that can complicate physical intimacy.
When Physical Attraction Issues May Signal Deeper Concerns
This article has primarily addressed situations where decreased attraction is a relatively recent or fluctuating concern. However, if your lack of attraction to your husband has been persistent, intense, or is accompanied by other troubling feelings, it may indicate deeper issues that warrant professional exploration.
Questions to Consider
- Have you ever been genuinely attracted to your husband, or did you enter the marriage hoping feelings would develop?
- Do you experience attraction to other people but specifically not to your husband?
- Are you questioning your sexual orientation or discovering aspects of your sexuality you hadn’t previously understood?
- Do you feel repulsed by physical intimacy with your husband, rather than simply disinterested?
- Are there traumatic experiences from your past affecting your ability to feel attracted to your partner?
If any of these questions resonate, individual therapy with a trained mental health provider may help you better understand your feelings. Exploring your sexual identity, intimacy desires, and past experiences in a supportive therapeutic environment can provide clarity about whether your lack of attraction stems from relationship issues or from deeper personal factors.
Understanding Sexual Orientation and Identity
For some individuals, persistent lack of attraction to a spouse may reflect questions about sexual orientation. If you’re a woman who has never felt genuinely attracted to men, or if you find yourself consistently attracted to women, this deserves compassionate exploration.
Similarly, if you’re realizing that your sexual preferences or identity don’t align with your current relationship structure, working with a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ+ issues can help you navigate these complex feelings. Our practice offers affirming support for individuals exploring questions of sexuality and identity.
Practical Steps to Address Decreased Attraction
If you’re committed to working on rebuilding attraction in your marriage, consider these actionable steps:
1. Open Communication
If you feel safe doing so, consider having an honest conversation with your husband about feeling disconnected. You don’t necessarily need to lead with “I’m not attracted to you anymore,” which can be deeply hurtful. Instead, you might frame it as:
- “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you lately, and I’d like to work on rebuilding our intimacy.”
- “I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about ways to strengthen our relationship?”
2. Seek Professional Support
Couples therapy provides a structured, safe environment to address intimacy issues. A skilled therapist can help you:
- Identify underlying relationship dynamics affecting attraction
- Improve communication about sensitive topics
- Develop strategies to rebuild emotional and physical intimacy
- Address any resentments or unresolved conflicts
Individual therapy may be appropriate if your lack of attraction seems tied to personal factors like past trauma, sexual identity questions, depression, or anxiety.
3. Create Opportunities for Connection
Attraction often follows connection rather than preceding it. Making intentional efforts to connect emotionally can help restore physical attraction:
- Schedule regular date nights without distractions
- Try new experiences together to create novelty and excitement
- Express appreciation and gratitude for positive qualities
- Practice physical affection without the pressure of sexual activity
- Share your thoughts, dreams, and vulnerabilities with each other
4. Address Specific Behavioral Concerns
If particular behaviors are impacting your attraction, find a compassionate way to address them. For example, if hygiene is an issue (a surprisingly common problem that affects many relationships), having a direct but kind conversation is essential.
5. Examine Your Own Barriers
Reflect on whether personal factors might be contributing to decreased attraction:
- Are you experiencing depression, anxiety, or chronic stress?
- Are medications affecting your libido or emotional state?
- Are you getting adequate sleep, exercise, and self-care?
- Do you have unresolved trauma affecting intimacy?
When to Consider More Difficult Decisions
While this article encourages working on rebuilding attraction when possible, it’s important to acknowledge that not all marriages can or should be saved. If your lack of attraction is accompanied by:
- Ongoing emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
- Complete breakdown of respect and trust
- Fundamental incompatibility in core values or life goals
- Persistent unhappiness despite genuine efforts to improve the relationship
- Discovery that your sexual orientation is incompatible with your marriage
Then you may need to consider more difficult decisions about the future of your relationship. In these cases, working with a therapist who specializes in relationship transitions and divorce counseling can help you navigate this process with clarity and compassion.
Final Thoughts
Losing attraction to your husband can feel isolating and frightening, but it’s a challenge many people face in long-term relationships. The good news is that attraction is not purely biological or fixed—it can be influenced by emotional connection, intentional effort, and addressing underlying relationship dynamics.
Approach this challenge with self-compassion and curiosity. Avoid making hasty decisions based on temporary feelings, but also honor your authentic experience and needs. Whether you ultimately decide to work on rebuilding attraction in your marriage or discover that deeper issues require different solutions, seeking professional support can help you navigate this complex situation with greater clarity and confidence.
Remember that healthy relationships require ongoing attention, communication, and effort from both partners. If you’re struggling with attraction issues in your marriage, reaching out for professional support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
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