When Your Husband Won’t Touch You
If this is your reality, you’re not imagining things. And no, you’re not overreacting. The absence of physical touch in a marriage—whether it’s sexual intimacy or simple affection like hand-holding, hugs, or casual touches—is one of the most painful experiences a person can endure in a relationship. It strikes at the very core of how we understand ourselves as desirable, lovable, and worthy.
In our Chicago practice, we see this issue more than almost any other. The pain in the room when someone finally says these words out loud is palpable. And almost always, the person being rejected has internalized it as a reflection of their physical appearance. I’m not attractive enough anymore. I’ve let myself go. He doesn’t want me because I’m ugly.
But here’s what we need you to hear, and we mean this with every ounce of our professional experience and human compassion: This is almost never about how you look.
Why We Blame Ourselves (And Why That’s Normal But Wrong)
When someone we love withdraws physical affection, our brains desperately search for an explanation. And the explanation that feels most immediate, most visceral, is our own body. It’s right there in the mirror. It’s changed. We can see it. So it must be the reason, right?
Related: My husband uses me for his needs
This is what psychologists call personalization—taking responsibility for something that isn’t actually about us. We do it because, paradoxically, it gives us a sense of control. If it’s about our appearance, then theoretically we could fix it. We could lose weight, dress differently, try harder. The alternative—that something is happening within our partner that we can’t control—feels more frightening and uncertain.
But here’s the truth: your husband fell in love with a human body that was always going to age, change, and be imperfect. If he loved you five years ago, ten years ago, or last year, those feelings don’t evaporate because of physical changes. Real desire in long-term relationships is far more complex than simple physical appearance.
When touch disappears from a marriage, it’s almost always about one of these deeper issues:
- Stress, depression, or anxiety affecting his capacity for intimacy
- Unresolved relationship resentments that have created emotional distance
- Medical issues (low testosterone, medication side effects, chronic pain or illness)
- Adult video use that’s replacing real intimacy
- Performance anxiety or shame around sexual issues
- Trauma or past experiences that make physical closeness difficult
- Loss of emotional connection that makes physical touch feel inauthentic
Notice what’s not on that list? “His wife’s body changed and now he finds her disgusting.” That’s not how human attachment and desire work in real, long-term relationships.
The Cruel Cycle: When Rejection Makes Us Harder to Reach
Here’s what makes this situation so insidious: when we internalize the rejection as evidence of our unattractiveness, we often begin to pull away ourselves. We stop initiating. We become self-conscious during sex if it does happen. We might avoid being naked around our partner, rush through getting dressed, or only have sex in the dark. We protect ourselves from further rejection by building walls.
And then something heartbreaking happens: we prove ourselves right. Not because we were actually unattractive, but because our self-protection creates the very distance we were trying to avoid. Our partner senses our discomfort, our guardedness, our pain—and instead of moving closer (which would require vulnerability and communication they may not be capable of), they move further away. The cycle deepens.
You might find yourself doing things you never imagined: checking his phone, monitoring his porn history, comparing yourself obsessively to other women, asking questions you’re terrified to hear answers to. You’re not crazy. You’re hurting. And you’re trying to solve a mystery with incomplete information.
What This Might Actually Mean
Let’s be really honest about some possibilities, because you deserve the truth, not platitudes:
Depression and Stress
Men, in particular, often experience depression not as sadness but as numbness, irritability, and loss of interest in things they used to enjoy—including sex and physical affection. If your husband is dealing with work stress, financial pressure, health concerns, or a general sense of being overwhelmed, his capacity for intimacy may have simply shut down. This isn’t a choice or a rejection of you. It’s a symptom.
Medical Issues
Low testosterone, thyroid problems, diabetes, heart disease, and many medications (especially antidepressants and blood pressure medications) can obliterate sex drive. Many men feel deep shame about this and won’t bring it up, even with their wives. They’d rather you think they’re not interested than admit they’re struggling with something that feels like a failure of their masculinity.
Emotional Distance
Sometimes the touch stops because the emotional connection has eroded. If there are unresolved conflicts, if he feels criticized or controlled, if there’s been a breach of trust, if daily life has become more like roommate logistics than partnership—physical intimacy becomes impossible. Not because of attraction, but because you can’t be physically vulnerable with someone you feel emotionally unsafe with.
His Own Body Image Issues
Plot twist: he might be avoiding physical intimacy because of how he feels about his body. Men struggle with body image too, and if he’s gained weight, lost hair, or is dealing with erectile difficulties, he may be avoiding situations where his own perceived inadequacies will be exposed.
Adult Videos
This is a difficult one to address, but it’s real. When adult video use becomes excessive, it can genuinely interfere with real-world desire and intimacy. The novelty, the visual intensity, the lack of emotional complexity—it can create a situation where real intimacy feels like too much work or not stimulating enough. This isn’t about you being inadequate compared to what’s on screen. It’s about neural pathways and dopamine and avoidance of real vulnerability.
What You Can Actually Do
First, please hear this: You cannot seduce, perfect, or shrink yourself into being touched again. That’s not how this works. If the issue is within him—and it almost certainly is—then your appearance is not the solution.
Here’s what might actually help:
1. Name It Directly
Not in anger, not in tears (if you can help it), but in clear honesty: “I’ve noticed we don’t touch anymore—not just sexually, but at all. This is really painful for me, and I need us to talk about it.”
Don’t let him minimize it with “We’re just busy” or “That’s what happens in long marriages.” Those are deflections. Say: “No, I need you to take this seriously. The absence of physical affection in our marriage is hurting me deeply, and we need to understand why it’s happening.”
2. Ask About Him, Not About You
Instead of “Do you still find me attractive?” (which puts him in a position where any answer feels loaded), try: “Are you okay? I’m worried about you. Have you been feeling depressed? Stressed? Disconnected from me?”
Make it safe for him to be honest about what’s happening for him without it being an indictment of the relationship or his feelings for you.
3. Rule Out Medical Issues
Suggest he get a full physical with hormone levels checked. Frame it as caring about his overall health, not just about sex. “I’ve been reading about how stress and health issues can affect everything, including intimacy. Would you be willing to see the doctor and make sure everything’s okay?”
4. Separate Touch from Sex (Temporarily)
If all touch has become loaded with expectation or anxiety, suggest taking sex off the table temporarily while you rebuild other forms of physical connection. Can you hold hands? Hug for 20 seconds? Sit close on the couch? Sometimes the pressure of sex makes all touch feel dangerous, and removing that pressure can help.
5. Address Your Own Well-Being
This isn’t about “fixing” yourself to become more attractive. This is about not letting his withdrawal define your sense of self-worth. Stay connected to friends. Move your body in ways that feel good. Dress in ways that make you feel confident. Your worth is not contingent on his desire.
6. Set a Boundary Around Time
You cannot force someone to want physical intimacy, but you also don’t have to accept indefinite rejection without action. It’s okay to say: “I love you and I’m committed to working on this, but I need us to actively address this issue. That might mean therapy, doctor visits, or honest conversations, but we can’t keep pretending everything is fine while I’m suffering. I need to see movement on this within [timeframe you choose].”
When It’s Time to Get Help
Some situations require professional support. Consider seeking help if:
- You’ve tried to talk about it and been shut down repeatedly
- The lack of touch has persisted for more than a few months
- You’re experiencing symptoms of depression or severe anxiety because of this
- There are other signs of disconnection in the relationship
- You suspect infidelity, addiction, or serious medical issues
- The situation is affecting your self-esteem and daily functioning
A skilled therapist can help you both understand what’s underneath the withdrawal of touch and create a path back to connection—if both people are willing to do the work. This is where couples therapy online or in person can help.
The Hard Truth About Desire
Here’s something we don’t talk about enough: desire in long-term relationships is complicated. It ebbs and flows. It’s affected by stress, health, life transitions, and emotional connection. The fairy tale that couples should always want each other with the same intensity they did when they first met is just that—a fairy tale.
But here’s the difference between normal ebbs and flows and a real problem: care and effort.
In healthy relationships, when desire wanes, both people notice and care. They talk about it. They problem-solve. They find their way back to each other, maybe differently than before, but they find a way. The key is that both people want to find a way.
Related: I’m not attracted to my husband anymore
If your husband is checked out, defensive, unwilling to acknowledge the problem or work on it, that’s information. Not about your attractiveness, but about his capacity or willingness to show up for the relationship right now.
And you deserve someone who shows up. Not a perfect person who always wants sex, but someone who cares when you’re hurting and is willing to figure out what’s wrong and work on it together.
What We Want You to Remember
You are not too fat. You are not too old. You are not ugly. Your body, exactly as it is right now, is worthy of love, desire, and tender touch.
Your husband’s withdrawal is about something happening within him or between you—it is not a referendum on your physical appearance. Even if he says it is (and some people, in their worst moments, do say cruel things), that’s his failure of character and communication, not your failure of beauty.
You cannot hate yourself into being loved. You cannot shrink yourself into being desired. You cannot perfect yourself into being touched.
What you can do is insist on honesty, demand respect, seek understanding, and refuse to accept indefinite rejection without explanation or effort to address it.
You deserve to be touched with tenderness. You deserve to feel desired. You deserve a partner who notices when you’re hurting and cares enough to figure out why.
And if those things aren’t possible in your current relationship despite your best efforts, that’s information too. Painful information, but important information about what your future might need to look like.
You are not alone in this pain. You are not crazy for feeling devastated by it. And you are not unworthy of love just because one person has stopped showing it in the way you need.
Please be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can in an impossibly painful situation. And whatever happens next, you deserve compassion—especially from yourself.
