By: Alexandra DeWoskin, LCSW
The Role of Assumptions in Relationships
In my work with individuals and couples as a counselor in Chicago, the issue of assumptions surfaces frequently. I define assumptions as nothing more than “guesses” derived from our past baggage, life experiences, biases, emotions, and familial patterns. We project these guesses onto people and situations, responding as if they are absolute truth. In reality, the only thing we can safely assume about assumptions is that they are usually wrong.
Assumptions act as barriers to communication and happiness. They block possibilities and fuel spirals of negative thinking. A simple example is waking up feeling like you’re having a “bad hair day” and assuming everyone you pass is judging your appearance. But assumptions can be far more insidious than a bad hair day.
Why We Make Assumptions
Our brains are hardwired to find meaning and make sense of the world. It is human nature to base our understanding of others not just on observed facts, but on what is happening inside us psychologically. Instead of grounding our perspectives in reality, we often make judgments based on our internal emotions, expectations, and wishes.
When making assumptions becomes a habit, we lose our grounding in reality. We tell ourselves something is true without evidence, creating a foundation of inaccurate beliefs that dictate our behaviors and attitudes.
The Impact on Couples
In couples counseling, partners often make assumptions about one another’s intentions, motivations, and desires. There is a common myth that “my partner should just know what I’m thinking.” However, no one can read minds—no matter how long a couple has been together.
When communication breaks down, unchecked assumptions fill the void, leading to:
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Reacting to unverified beliefs: Responding to an intention your partner never actually expressed.
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Negative interpretations of silence: Assuming a quiet partner is upset or disinterested.
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Overanalyzing interactions: Jumping to conclusions about a partner’s social interactions, leading to jealousy.
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Attributing hidden motives: Interpreting decisions through a lens of suspicion.
Ultimately, these patterns breed resentment and ruin trust. When you assume instead of asking, you miss the opportunity to connect on a deeper, authentic level.
Strategies to Break the Pattern
If we stop to “fact-check” our thoughts before deciding they are true (a form of Couples CBT Therapy) we can avoid the trap of false assumptions. Here are strategies to help you become more conscious of your internal narrative:
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The Power of the Pause: When you feel yourself jumping to a conclusion, become a “mental detective.” Ask yourself: Is this actually true? How do I know this? If the answer isn’t based on observable evidence, you are likely making an assumption.
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Ask, Don’t Guess: Whenever you are uncertain about what is happening in someone else’s mind, ask questions. Seeking clarification provides accurate information to base your reactions on.
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Assess the Evidence: Remember that nothing happens until it actually happens. Often, our visceral reactions are triggers from our past rather than a reflection of the present. If you don’t have evidence to support your hypothesis, it most likely didn’t occur.
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Trust Your Problem-Solving Skills: Preemptive problem-solving (worrying about a situation before you have the facts) is a waste of mental energy. Remind yourself that you are capable of handling issues when they arise, not before.
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Consider Alternative Explanations: When you catch an assumption, intentionally brainstorm three other possible reasons for the behavior. This prevents “tunnel vision” and negative jumping to conclusions.
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Assume the Best: If you must assume something, try assuming a positive or neutral intent. This shift in perspective fosters empathy rather than defensiveness.
Moving Forward
Assumptions can be tricky because they happen automatically. While mindfulness can help you catch these thoughts in the moment, breaking long-standing patterns can be difficult to do alone. If assumptions are creating distance in your relationship, seeking professional help is a proactive way to rebuild trust and clarity.
