Introverts and Relationships
By: Kari Harrison, LCPC
Winter in Chicago is upon us, and for those of us who prefer a cozy night curled up on the couch to a bar hop, winter may not be so bad! However, just because you feel nourished by quiet time at home doesn’t mean you’re anti-social! Introversion and extroversion are often misunderstood personality characteristics…introversion vs extroversion is really just about how we re-charge. Introverts tend to re-charge in solitude, that is to say, they gain energy in having alone time.
The alone time is the fuel that can mobilize them to go out and be social. Introverts also tend to feel drained by large crowds of people and superfluous small talk, they tend to feel the most satisfied within the context of deeper connections. Conversely, extroverts tend to re-charge around other people. They tend to gain energy by interacting with and being with others.
Their energy fuel is socialization, whereas the fuel for introverts is solitude. However, it is important to remember that human beings are inherently social animals, and we all need human interaction to survive! It’s just the type of human interaction introverts and extroverts crave might be different.
So again, although introverts need alone time to recharge, that doesn’t mean introverts do not desire relationships! And of course, introverts are just as capable of sustaining a healthy relationship as an extrovert is. Problems are most likely to arise if an introvert chooses a partner who is extroverted and cannot accept their introversion.
If you recognize yourself as being more introverted (which again, is about how we recharge, not about our ability to socialize), then it is important to seek a partner who can respect your need for re-charging through personal “you” time!
Additionally, it will be important for the introvert to compromise at times, too. That means, at times, going out with your partner to an event when you may have rather spent that time at home watching movies on the couch. Like any healthy relationship, there is success to be found in you and your partner’s ability to compromise.
Another tip for introverts seeking new relationships is to place value on compatibility. If you find a partner who shares your interests, ie books, concerts, movies, what you like to do for fun, etc., then you may be more likely to find a partner whose level of introversion/extroversion matches your own.
That’s not to say that you can’t have a healthy relationship with someone whose idea of fun is different from your own, however. But, in that case, you would just need to be open to compromising more frequently then you might in a partnership where there are more shared interests.
Again, introverts are just as capable as extroverts of maintaining healthy relationships! And introvert/extrovert relationships are not uncommon. But in these types of relationships, one needs to truly be able to accept their partner’s level of introversion/extroversion, rather than seeing this aspect as something that needs to be fixed.
If one is able to respect the uniqueness of their partner’s personality, then a difference in introversion/extroversion can certainly be overcome.
If you are finding yourself in a relationship where varying levels of introversion/extroversion are contributing to an increase of conflict in the relationship, couples counseling can help. Alternatively, if you perceive your introversion as being a barrier in dating/partnership, there might be something deeper to explore within the context of individual counseling. If any of this sounds familiar to you, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for support!
