Dealing with a cheating boyfriend
Jennifer Lawal, LPC-NCC
Should I Stay or Should I Go? Finding out your boyfriend has cheated can be very devastating and can rock your world or turn your world upside down. There are chances that you or someone you know who lives in Chicago knows someone who’s been cheated on, or who did the cheating or perhaps it happened to you.
Whether your partner makes out with someone else or has a months-long affair, being cheated on hurts; and when it happens, a person can experience a range of emotions—alternating from anger, betrayal, sadness, shock, disbelief and even denial. When a partner cheats, we want answers. It is often hard to understand why they did it, we spend every waking moment trying to recall our memory for clues or where things went wrong.
But the fact is, I don’t know of a single person in Chicago who’s been cheated on whose initial thoughts after finding out didn’t revolve around their worth as a partner, as a human being or a person who isn’t plotting their own revenge.
Related: My wife caught me cheating
In my experience as a therapist on the north-side of Chicago, I know that no two relationships are alike, and recovering from infidelity or trust ruptures can really change how each partner views the relationship and their role in it. In the days, weeks and sometimes months after discovering that your boyfriend has cheated on you and taken all you had for granted, your world may seem smaller and you may start to grapple with questions and decisions about what is next.
While, it is hard to understand why they would do that, or question your own role that led to the cheating, it is important to understand that what you do afterward matters. Maybe your partner did it and didn’t plan to tell you, but then they accidentally out themselves. Or whether they confess to you or not and ask for another chance or ask for a way out, only you can decide what’s right for you-not your friends. Being in a monogamous relationship is not easy, and it’s more difficult for some people than others.
I cannot stress enough that cheating is so prevalent in our society that we have to talk about it. We have to figure out why it hurts so bad and why it’s so hard to forgive someone after they’ve betrayed us. And especially if it’s best to grow through the healing together or apart. Everyone has their tipping point. Some people want to forgive the cheater and move forward with the relationship and others want nothing to do with their partner ever again – and get as far away as possible.
Whether you decide to stick it out with your boyfriend and heal as a couple or move apart and heal separately, healing has to take place. It doesn’t matter if you are the one who was cheated on or the cheating person yourself, you likely have to heal something inside you after an event like this.
So, what do you do when your boyfriend has cheated on you? First, because you may not know exactly how to act in the moments, or even weeks after learning your boyfriend’s been unfaithful, and because you have every right to be angry and sad, it is important to foremost understand that their infidelity is not a reflection of you, but a choice your boyfriend has made.
Below are some helpful tips for how to respond and how and perhaps how to cope with your new reality.
1. Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel.
Infidelity can be one of the most painful experiences you can have and being cheated on really hurts. The more you trust and feel safe with someone, the more powerful and painful it feels when it happens. Sometimes, these emotions can be overwhelming, and can all happen simultaneously. After infidelity, it is important to remind yourself that you and you alone are the priority and giving yourself space to cry, be angry, feel revengeful and so on is normal.
Related: Chicago couples counseling for cheating
The pain that is created from the betrayal can be nearly unbearable and much healing is needed afterward. Understand that nothing is going to make the process painless unless you allow yourself to feel and acknowledge the emotions as you experience them. So, if you need to scream, scream as loud as you can–into a pillow rather than at your partner. If you need to cry as deep as you can
2. Take a Deep Breath, Stay Calm, Then React.
Getting betrayed is like someone grabbing your heart so tightly it can’t beat anymore. You can feel it in both your mind and body. It can even hurt worse than physical pain because it is that powerful. In the moments after finding out, it is normal for any person to feel angry, have questions and want answers right away. But the truth is some getting information or even the right information about the cheating event might not happen overnight.
Therefore, overeating or doing anything you may regret later might further complicate the relationship. Try to stay calm if at all possible and recognize that no big decisions need to be made immediately, so give yourself at least 24 hours to make any big decisions. Because you feel betrayed, your first impulse is usually anger, and wanting to leave — fight or flight after you calm down, you are more rational and thoughtful about your next step.
In situations where you find out your boyfriend has cheated on you, it is helpful to be reactive, be intentional and be thoughtful.
3. Seek Out Your Supporter
When you are going through something so emotional, it is imperative to try and take care of yourself not just physically but emotionally as well because it will only help support you in being able to process all of the emotions.
While there are some elements of shame rooted in being cheated on; what would our friends think of him and what would they think of me if I stayed? It is not uncommon for friends to want to jump to your rescue and quickly offer advice for what you need to do.
Related: Emotional infidelity explained
This can be further confusing and actually can make it hard to figure out what is best for you. But knowing who your supporters are and reaching out to those who can be supportive and free of judgment can be very helpful in getting through this emotional experience.
4. How Does Boyfriend Feel About His Behavior?
People cheat for different reasons. Some people who cheat do it as a one-time thing, while others are repeat offenders who swore that this would be the last time. In any case, when you find out about the cheating and you are much calmer, you and your boyfriend need to have a heart-to-heart conversation.
During this time, it is important to pay attention to their stories, patterns and their attitudes about how they have treated you. Remember that just because he says he’s sorry and appears very remorseful wouldn’t prevent him from cheating again, but a remorseful cheater might be than a cold-hearted one. Also, see if your boyfriend is in denial, makes excuses, and/or even blames you for their transgresses.
If this is the case, then this might show his investment in the cheating behavior and perhaps not ready for change. On the other hand, it might be a good sign if they recognize the impact of their behavior on you and the relationship, that cheating might be a manifestation of a bigger problem and is willing to get help to resolve it.
5. Speak with A Couples Therapist and Re-evaluate the Relationship While it might be hard to make a final decision about what to do, laying the foundation for which direction this relationship is going should be the first step. Whether you plan to stay together or decide to move on, at this stage, you need to focus on your coping skills. Remember that cheating is often a violation of the rules of a relationship.
When we start a romantic and blissful partnership with someone, there are usually a set of boundaries that the relationship has or is clearly communicated about as things get more serious. However, after cheating occurs, trust is broken, and the other person starts to feel unsafe and insecure in the relationship. Speaking with a couple’s therapist can help you and your boyfriend to face and address the problems in the relationship and rebuild trust and forgiveness—as these are necessary to heal and move on alone or together.
Having these and other helpful tips in mind can provide a path during a time that seems dark. But in the end, you are the only one who can decide if you can move past the cheating and move on with the relationship.
If you’re in a relationship that has experienced infidelity, choosing to save it will be a tough decision to come to. However, if you build a strong foundation of communication, you will always know where each other are in the relationship.
