Gaslighting: A Closer Look

Gaslighting is a manipulative behavior that can occur in romantic relationships, causing emotional distress and confusion for the person being gaslit. As a Chicago couples therapist in the Lakeview community, I’ve witnessed the detrimental effects of gaslighting firsthand.

To be clear, gaslighting is an equal opportunity destroyer and people do it to a romantic partner, regardless of sexual orientation.

In this post, I’ll share seven common signs of gaslighting that can help you identify this toxic behavior in your own relationship. By recognizing these signs, you can take steps to protect yourself and seek support if needed. Before we take a deep dive, let’s define emotional abuse, because that’s what gaslighting is all about – abuse.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse or mental cruelty, is a form of mistreatment that primarily targets a person’s emotional well-being, self-esteem, and psychological stability. It is a pattern of behavior where one individual exerts power and control over another through manipulative tactics and psychological tactics.

Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse doesn’t leave visible wounds or scars, making it particularly insidious and challenging to detect. That is because gaslighting is considered a sick form of crazy making, meaning the person is trying to make you think you are crazy.

At its core, emotional abuse is an attempt to undermine a person’s sense of self-worth and independence. It can take various forms, with the intent of causing emotional harm and distress. Verbal abuse is one common manifestation, where an individual uses harsh words, insults, and demeaning language to belittle and humiliate the victim. These verbal assaults can erode self-esteem and confidence over time, leaving the victim feeling emotionally battered and defeated.

Gaslighting is a form of crazy making

– Chicago Couples Therapist Alexandra DeWoskin

Gaslighting is another prevalent tactic within emotional abuse. In gaslighting, the abuser systematically distorts reality or manipulates situations to make the victim doubt their own perceptions, memory, and sanity. This manipulation can leave the victim feeling confused, disoriented, and constantly second-guessing themselves. The goal of gaslighting is to exert control and dominance over the victim by undermining their confidence and judgment.

Isolation and control are also common components of emotional abuse. The abuser may seek to isolate the victim from friends and family, making them entirely dependent on the abuser for emotional support and validation. This can result in a sense of helplessness and deepens the victim’s emotional vulnerability. Additionally, emotional abusers may employ tactics like the silent treatment, threats, or guilt-tripping to maintain power and control within the relationship.

Types of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can manifest in numerous ways, making it imperative to understand its various forms. Some common types include verbal abuse, where hurtful words and insults are used to degrade and humiliate the victim.

Emotional abusers may employ tactics such as gaslighting, where they deny reality or manipulate situations to make the victim doubt their own perceptions. Other forms include isolation, control, and withholding affection or support.

Let’s take a look at seven common ways emotional abusers engage in gaslighting.

1. Constant Denial and Deflection

Gaslighters frequently deny their actions or dismiss their partner’s concerns. They may say things like, “You’re overreacting,” “That never happened,” or “You’re imagining things.” By invalidating your experiences, they undermine your confidence and make you doubt your perception of reality.

2. Blatant Lies and Distortions

Gaslighters often twist the truth or fabricate stories to manipulate their partner’s perception. They may contradict facts, present false evidence, or conveniently “forget” important details. Their aim is to confuse you and make you question your own memory and judgment.

3. Emotional Manipulation

Gaslighters use emotional manipulation as a tool for control. They may intentionally trigger feelings of guilt, shame, or self-doubt to keep you off-balance. They might say things like, “You’re so sensitive,” “You’re making me feel bad,” or “Nobody else would put up with you.” This emotional rollercoaster undermines your self-esteem and keeps you reliant on their validation.

4. Gradual Isolation

Gaslighters often isolate their partners from friends, family, and support networks. They might discourage you from spending time with loved ones, claim that they’re the only one who truly cares about you, or accuse others of being against the relationship. This isolation makes you more dependent on the gaslighter and easier to manipulate.

5. Projection of Blame

Gaslighters frequently deflect blame by projecting their own faults onto their partners. They might accuse you of doing things they themselves are guilty of, creating confusion and shifting responsibility. This tactic allows them to avoid accountability while keeping you on the defensive.

6. Undermining Your Sanity

Gaslighters will go to great lengths to make you doubt your mental stability. They may question your memory, intelligence, or mental health, leaving you feeling confused and insecure. By eroding your self-assurance, they gain power and control over your thoughts and actions.

7. Gaslighting-Cycle Reinforcement

Gaslighting tends to follow a cyclical pattern, where moments of affection and kindness are interspersed with episodes of gaslighting. These intermittent periods of love and validation can make it difficult for you to leave the relationship, as you hope for a return to the “honeymoon phase.” This cycle perpetuates the gaslighting behavior and keeps you trapped in an unhealthy dynamic.

Gaslighting and Power Dynamics

Gaslighting is deeply connected to power dynamics within relationships. It is a manipulative tactic used by individuals to exert control and power over their partners. Gaslighters aim to undermine their partner’s perception of reality, leaving them feeling confused, doubting themselves, and ultimately dependent on the gaslighter for validation and guidance. This power dynamic allows the gaslighter to maintain authority and influence over their partner’s thoughts, emotions, and actions.

Gaslighting thrives on power imbalances. The gaslighter often positions themselves as the authority figure, dismissing their partner’s concerns, opinions, and experiences. By constantly denying or distorting the truth, the gaslighter establishes a power dynamic where their version of reality becomes dominant. T

hey manipulate their partner’s emotions and exploit vulnerabilities to maintain control, leaving the gaslit person feeling powerless and emotionally drained. You should know that gaslighting happens in heterosexual relationships and LGBTQ relationships.

Gaslighting thrives on power imbalances

-Relationship counselor Nadia Hallek

Gaslighting can also be seen as a form of psychological abuse, where the gaslighter intentionally diminishes their partner’s sense of self-worth and agency. By undermining their partner’s sanity, gaslighters erode their confidence and ability to make independent decisions.

This power imbalance makes it more challenging for the gaslit individual to recognize the manipulation and break free from the toxic cycle. Understanding the power dynamics at play is crucial in recognizing gaslighting behavior and empowering individuals to reclaim their autonomy and well-being.

How Gaslighting Harms Mental Health

Gaslighting can have severe detrimental effects on an individual’s mental health, causing significant emotional distress and undermining their overall well-being. The manipulation and psychological abuse inherent in gaslighting can lead to long-lasting consequences for the person being gaslit.

Firstly, gaslighting erodes a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence. By constantly invalidating their experiences and emotions, the gaslighter chips away at their sense of self-worth. Over time, the gaslit individual may start questioning their own perceptions, second-guessing their judgments, and losing trust in their own thoughts and feelings. This self-doubt can contribute to a diminished sense of identity and a heightened vulnerability to anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges.

Gaslighting also leads to increased levels of stress and anxiety. The gaslit individual is constantly walking on eggshells, unsure of what will trigger the gaslighter’s manipulation or anger.

The gaslighter’s tactics of emotional manipulation, blame-shifting, and gaslighting-cycles create a volatile and unpredictable environment. This chronic state of stress can have a significant impact on mental health, leading to heightened anxiety, hypervigilance, and even symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Furthermore, gaslighting can isolate the person being gaslit and disrupt their support networks. Gaslighters often work to isolate their victims from friends, family, and other sources of support.

They may manipulate the victim into believing that nobody else understands or cares about them, creating a sense of dependency on the gaslighter. This isolation can further exacerbate feelings of loneliness, helplessness, and despair, which can contribute to depression and social withdrawal.

toxic relationship signs — Has gaslighting taken its toll on you?

Recognize Signs of Emotional Abuse

Recognizing emotional abuse is crucial. Signs include feeling constantly belittled, criticized, and controlled. You may also find yourself questioning your own sanity, feeling isolated from friends and family, and experiencing low self-esteem.

Below, I encourage you to focus your attention on the specific indicators that may suggest you or someone you know is being emotionally abused:

They often deny things they’ve said or done, making you doubt your memory.
They minimize your feelings and experiences, dismissing them as unimportant or overly sensitive.
They frequently change the subject or deflect blame to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
They question your sanity or emotional stability, suggesting that you’re “crazy” or “overreacting.”
They use contradictions in their statements, creating confusion about the truth.
They make you feel guilty or selfish for expressing your needs and desires.
They employ condescending or patronizing language to belittle your intelligence or understanding.
They isolate you from friends and family, making you more dependent on them for validation.
They use manipulation to make you doubt your perception of reality or the facts of a situation.
They claim that they are the victim in the relationship, reversing roles and seeking sympathy for their actions.
They repeatedly break promises or commitments, causing you to question your trust in them.
They engage in passive-aggressive behavior, leaving you feeling uneasy and uncertain about their intentions.
They use your vulnerabilities and insecurities against you to gain control or manipulate your emotions.
They withhold affection, attention, or support as a form of punishment.
They may act charming and kind to others but be emotionally abusive in private, making it hard for others to believe your experiences.

Signs of emotional abuse — Common signs of emotional abuse

Signs In Yourself of Emotional Abuse & Gaslighting in Relationships

Constant Criticism: You often feel like nothing you do is good enough, and you face relentless criticism and put-downs from someone in your life.
Feeling Isolated: You are increasingly isolated from friends and family, and your abuser tries to control or limit your contact with loved ones.
Low Self-Esteem: You have a persistent, negative view of yourself, feeling unworthy, unlovable, or inadequate.
Doubting Your Reality: You frequently second-guess your own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, as the abuser has made you doubt your sanity or memory.
Fear and Anxiety: You live in constant fear of your abuser’s reactions, walking on eggshells to avoid their anger, criticism, or emotional outbursts.
Guilt and Self-Blame: You often feel guilty or responsible for the abuser’s behavior or for the problems in the relationship, even when it’s not your fault.
Loss of Independence: Your abuser may exert excessive control over your life, making major decisions without considering your feelings or needs.
Withdrawal from Hobbies and Interests: You’ve given up on activities you once enjoyed because of the abuser’s disapproval or restrictions.
Mood Swings and Emotional Turmoil: Emotional abuse can lead to feelings of confusion, sadness, anger, or despair, and you may experience frequent mood swings or emotional distress.
Feeling Trapped: You believe you cannot leave the relationship, even if it’s harmful, due to fear, financial dependence, or emotional attachment.
Physical Symptoms: Emotional abuse can lead to physical health problems, such as headaches, sleep disturbances, or gastrointestinal issues, due to the stress and anxiety it causes.
Self-Isolation: You find yourself withdrawing from social interactions or activities, as you no longer feel like yourself.
Depression or Anxiety: Emotional abuse often leads to mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, which can manifest as feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, or panic attacks.
Feeling Helpless: You feel powerless to change your situation or protect yourself from further abuse.
Loss of Identity: Over time, you may lose your sense of self and personal identity, as the abuser’s control and manipulation take precedence in your life.

Emotional & psychological abuse — Root causes of emotional abuse

What Are The Root Causes of Emotional Abuse and Gaslighting?

Understanding the root causes of emotional abuse can shed light on why some individuals engage in such harmful behavior. While each situation may have unique contributing factors, several common root causes are often identified:

Unresolved Trauma: Some emotional abusers may have experienced trauma in their own lives, such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse during childhood. These unresolved traumas can lead to a cycle of abuse where they perpetuate the harm they endured onto others.
Personality Disorders: Certain personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder, can be associated with emotional abuse. People with these disorders may struggle with empathy, impulse control, and self-esteem, which can contribute to abusive behaviors.
Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem: Abusers may have deep-seated feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. To cope with these feelings, they resort to manipulation and control as a means of bolstering their own sense of power and self-worth.
Control Issues: Emotional abuse is often rooted in a desire for control. Abusers may fear losing control over their partners or circumstances, and they resort to emotional manipulation to maintain a sense of dominance.
Dependency on the Victim: Some emotional abusers become emotionally dependent on their victims, leading them to use manipulation as a means of maintaining the victim’s presence and attention. This dependency can stem from unresolved attachment issues.
Lack of Empathy: Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, is often lacking in emotional abusers. Their inability to empathize with their victims can lead to dismissive, callous, or cruel behaviors.
Family of Origin Patterns: Family dynamics and learned behaviors can play a significant role. If an individual grows up in a family where emotional abuse is prevalent, they may emulate those behaviors in their own relationships.
Cultural or Societal Factors: Cultural or societal norms and values can influence abusive behavior. In some cultures, there may be tolerance for certain forms of emotional abuse or an emphasis on maintaining the family unit at all costs.
Substance Abuse: Substance abuse, such as alcohol or drug addiction, can lower inhibitions and impair judgment, making individuals more prone to emotional abuse. Abusers may use substances as an excuse for their behavior.
Stress and External Pressure: High levels of stress, financial strain, or external pressures can exacerbate abusive behavior. Abusers may use emotional manipulation as a way to cope with their own stress and anxiety.

It’s essential to recognize that understanding the root causes of emotional abuse does not excuse or justify the behavior. Emotional abuse is harmful, and those who engage in it are responsible for their actions. Recognizing these root causes can, however, provide insight into the complex dynamics of abusive relationships and may inform strategies for addressing and preventing emotional abuse.

How To Protect Yourself

Protecting yourself against gaslighting is crucial for maintaining your mental and emotional well-being. Here are some tips to help you defend against gaslighting:

Educate Yourself: Learn about gaslighting and the tactics involved. Understanding how it works is the first step in protecting yourself.
Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off or manipulative in a relationship or conversation, trust your gut instincts. Your feelings are valid.
Keep a Journal: Maintain a written record of conversations and interactions to have a factual account of what has occurred. This can help counteract the distortions of reality.
Set Boundaries: Clearly establish your personal boundaries and communicate them to the other person. Be assertive in maintaining those boundaries.
Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide an objective perspective and emotional support.
Build Self-Esteem: Work on boosting your self-esteem and self-confidence. When you believe in yourself, you’re less likely to be swayed by manipulative tactics.
Stay Grounded in Reality: Remind yourself of the facts and your own experiences. Don’t let someone else’s distortions of reality erode your confidence.
Avoid Isolation: Gaslighters may try to isolate you. Stay connected with friends and family to maintain outside sources of support and validation.
Document Incidents: Keep a record of gaslighting incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions. This documentation can be invaluable in confronting the abuser or seeking help.
Stay Calm and Assertive: In conversations with a gaslighter, remain calm and assertive. Avoid getting emotional or defensive, as this can feed into their manipulation.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care to maintain your emotional strength. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
Limit Contact: If possible, limit or cut off contact with the gaslighter. Removing their influence from your life may be the most effective way to protect yourself.
Seek Professional Help: If you’re dealing with a persistent gaslighter, consider consulting a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and support.
Be Aware of Manipulative Tactics: Stay informed about common gaslighting tactics and be vigilant when you encounter them.
Seek Validation from Multiple Sources: When in doubt, seek validation from multiple sources to confirm your understanding of a situation.

Remember that gaslighting is a harmful form of emotional abuse, and protecting yourself from it is essential for your mental and emotional well-being. It’s crucial to prioritize your own mental health and seek support when dealing with gaslighting in your life.

Counseling in Chicago for Gaslighting

It is crucial to recognize the damaging effects of gaslighting on mental health and to seek support from trusted individuals or professionals. Recovery from gaslighting often involves rebuilding self-esteem, establishing healthy boundaries, and regaining a sense of agency and autonomy.

Therapy, support groups, and self-care practices can be instrumental in healing from the psychological wounds caused by gaslighting and reclaiming mental well-being. If you are looking for a therapist in Chicago to help you work through emotional abuse, we’d like to help.

Wrap Up

Gaslighting can have serious consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and overall happiness. If you recognize any of these signs in your relationship, it’s crucial to seek support from friends, family, or a professional therapist.

Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship built on trust, respect, and genuine love. If you are being gaslit by someone, we encourage you to make an appointment with a Chicago relationship counselor.