Husband Doesn’t Want Kids?
Finding out that your husband doesn’t want kids—especially if you do—can feel like hitting a wall. It might be something he’s said from the beginning, or it might be a change of heart that’s come up over time. Either way, when one partner wants children and the other doesn’t, it can shake the foundation of a marriage.
As a therapist working with couples in Chicago, I’ve sat with many women (and men) who are struggling with this exact issue. It’s rarely black-and-white. There’s love, history, and hope woven into the relationship—and this one issue can leave you feeling confused, heartbroken, or even resentful.
If you’re in this situation, here are seven suggestions that can help you sort through the feelings, decisions, and conversations ahead:
1. Make space for your emotions—without rushing to fix it
Before you dive into solutions or ultimatums, it’s important to just feel. Grief, anger, fear, disappointment—these emotions are completely normal. Wanting children is often tied to identity, legacy, even cultural or spiritual beliefs. When that dream feels threatened, it’s not just about logistics. It’s personal.
Give yourself time to sit with what’s coming up. Journal, talk to a therapist, confide in a close friend. You don’t need to have it all figured out today.
2. Get curious about the “why” behind his feelings
When someone says they don’t want kids, it’s easy to hear that as a hard no. But sometimes it’s more complicated than that.
Is he afraid of not being a good father? Worried about money? Overwhelmed by the state of the world? Carrying trauma from his own childhood? Has he never pictured himself as a dad—or is he terrified of losing freedom?
Instead of jumping into debate mode, try asking open questions. “Can you tell me more about what’s behind that?” or “How did you come to that decision?” can open up space for deeper understanding.
3. Be honest about your own needs
It’s easy to downplay your desires to keep the peace. But being honest—with yourself and with him—is key. Wanting children isn’t a “phase” or a “preference” that can be easily negotiated. It’s a big part of who you are.
You don’t have to present a plan right away, but it’s okay to say, “This is something that really matters to me,” even if it feels scary. Silence often creates more distance than honesty.
4. Take the pressure off one conversation
You don’t need to solve this in one sit-down. In fact, trying to do so can create more stress and defensiveness.
Instead, think of this as an ongoing conversation. Each talk can build on the last, giving both of you time to reflect. This also allows the relationship to stay connected while you work through something difficult. Couples that learn how to talk about hard things—without shutting down or blowing up—build resilience, even if they don’t always agree.
5. Don’t assume he’ll “come around”—but don’t assume he won’t, either
Sometimes people change their minds about having kids. Sometimes they don’t. The truth is, you can’t bank your future on the hope that someone will change. That puts both of you in a painful waiting game.
At the same time, avoid locking the door too soon. People evolve, especially when they feel safe enough to explore their fears and doubts. This is where therapy can be incredibly helpful—individually or as a couple.
6. Consider seeing a couples therapist
If this conversation feels too big, too loaded, or too stuck, working with a Chicago couples therapist can help. A good therapist can guide you through the emotional layers and communication blocks, making it easier to understand each other without spiraling into arguments or shutdowns.
In my Chicago therapy practice, I often work with couples who are facing different life goals, including the decision to have children. Therapy doesn’t promise answers—but it does offer a structured, compassionate space to explore what’s next.
7. Decide what you can—and can’t—live with
This is the hardest part. If you want children and your husband doesn’t—and if that difference remains—then you may have to face a crossroads.
Some couples stay together and find other ways to build a meaningful life—through mentoring, godparenting, fostering pets, or pouring energy into a shared mission. Others come to the painful realization that their paths are too different.
Neither choice is easy. But clarity can be freeing. You deserve a life that honors your deepest values, even if it requires difficult decisions.
A final thought: You’re not alone
This isn’t just your story—it’s one that many women (and couples) go through. There’s no “right” answer, and there’s no shame in how you feel. Whether you stay, go, or keep navigating the conversation, you’re allowed to want what you want—and to take your time figuring out what comes next.
If you’re in the Chicago area and this issue is weighing heavily on your heart, therapy can help. At Couples Counseling Chicago, we work with individuals and couples to face these emotional crossroads with care, honesty, and support. You don’t have to go through this alone.
