My Boyfriend Fat-Shamed Me!
Being called fat is probably one of the most devastating things I’ve ever experienced. When it happened to me in my romantic relationship—when the person I loved and trusted made that cruel comment—something inside me shattered. The shame hit me like a physical blow, especially because he didn’t just say it in private. He said it in front of his friends.
I remember the exact moment. We were at a barbecue, and I reached for a burger. He grabbed my love handles—actually touched them—and said, “Maybe you should skip this one, babe.” Everyone heard it. Everyone saw his hands on my body, highlighting the parts of myself I was already self-conscious about. I felt completely humiliated, exposed in front of people I barely knew. The psychological shame wasn’t just about my body—it was about being reduced to my physical appearance by someone who claimed to love me, and having that judgment witnessed by others.
If you’re reading this right now because your boyfriend called you fat, there’s a good chance you’re feeling what I felt—a toxic mixture of hurt, anger, shame, and confusion. Here’s what I want you to know: you should be pissed off. Your anger is valid.
Related: My Boyfriend Likes My Feet!
I’ve learned that sometimes people in relationships say hurtful things out of anger. Other times, they make cruel remarks in a misguided attempt at humor. We all say things we later regret—that’s part of being human. But there are certain things that should never be said, regardless of what prompted the comment. Being called fat, ugly, or stupid falls squarely into that category.
After my experience, I spent a lot of time in therapy working through the shame and trying to understand what had happened. Through that process, I learned five ways to respond when someone you love attacks your body. While I can’t guarantee any of these will bring you complete satisfaction, I hope they’ll help you feel stronger while setting firm boundaries with your partner.
1. I Learned to Name the Abuse
It took me a while to accept this truth, but when my boyfriend used the word “fat” during our conversation, he engaged in emotional abuse. At that moment, wrapped up in my hurt feelings and shame, I couldn’t see it clearly. I kept making excuses for him, telling myself he didn’t mean it or that I was being too sensitive. But I need you to understand what I finally learned: what he said was abusive. The same holds true if your boyfriend called you ugly or stupid.
The psychological shame that comes from these comments is insidious. It doesn’t just hurt in the moment—it burrows into your mind and changes how you see yourself. I found myself avoiding mirrors, hiding my body in baggy clothes, and constantly monitoring what I ate. The shame made me feel like I deserved the comment, like I had somehow brought this on myself by not being thin enough.
I had to learn to let him know that his remarks were not okay and that they were completely unacceptable. This includes variations like “Do you really need to eat that?” or “Honey, you’re starting to get chunky,” or—in my case—physically grabbing my love handles to make a point. If you’re thinking of marrying this person, please hear me when I say: his unkind remarks should serve as a warning sign for what might be coming.
2. I Recognized He Was Emotionally Unavailable
This was the hardest truth for me to face. Men who call their girlfriends or significant others names like fat, ugly, or stupid are often emotionally unavailable. My therapist helped me understand that his name-calling was an indication that I was with someone who was incapable of being with me in a loving and supportive way.
When someone who claims to love you deliberately touches the parts of your body you’re most insecure about and uses them as ammunition, that’s not love. That’s control. The shame I felt wasn’t just about my body—it was about realizing I had given my heart to someone who would weaponize my vulnerabilities against me.
I eventually had to assess the entire history of my relationship and determine whether I should even be with this person in the first place. Working with a therapist for one-on-one relationship counseling helped me better understand my dating patterns and create positive change. I learned that I had been attracted to emotionally unavailable men because of my own unresolved issues, and that pattern needed to break.
3. I Set Firm Boundaries
After the humiliation of being called out about my body in public, I knew I had to establish clear boundaries—both for my relationship and for myself. One effective approach I learned was to establish ground rules for fair fighting. My partner and I made a verbal agreement that whenever we got into a heated discussion or argument, we would both follow specific guidelines about what was acceptable and what crossed the line.
One of the fundamental rules of fair fighting is simple: no name-calling. No comments about physical appearance. No touching someone’s body to make a critical point. These boundaries became non-negotiable for me. I worked with a couples therapist to set these ground rules and reinforce them, because I knew I needed professional support to stand firm.
The shame had made me feel like I didn’t deserve to set boundaries, like I should just accept whatever treatment came my way. Learning to advocate for myself was part of healing from that shame.
4. I Didn’t Call Him Names Back
I completely understood why I wanted to hurt him back after he humiliated me. Who wouldn’t be upset? When he grabbed my love handles in front of his friends and made that comment, every fiber of my being wanted to find his most vulnerable spot and attack it with the same viciousness. The urge to make an ugly remark in return was almost overwhelming.
But I learned that giving into that urge would only make things worse. I would be escalating the argument into a full-on blowout, and more importantly, I would be abandoning my own values. I didn’t want to become the kind of person who weaponizes shame against others, even if it was done to me first.
Instead, I learned to assert my boundaries clearly and walk away. I had to physically remove myself from situations where the conversation was becoming toxic. Important warning: if alcohol is involved, don’t try to engage in a conversation about this. Nothing good will come from it. I learned this the hard way. Your partner may need anger management counseling, but that’s something he needs to pursue on his own.
5. I Became Ready to Walk Away
This was my final option, and ultimately, the one I chose. After months of trying to make things work, I made the decision to break up. That vicious name-calling and the physical humiliation of having my love handles grabbed and criticized was a harbinger for what would continue in the future. I had to ask myself: did I really want someone constantly activating my pre-existing body image issues? Did I want to spend years feeling ashamed of my body because of someone who claimed to love me?
The psychological shame had already done its damage. I was constantly anxious about my appearance, second-guessing everything I ate, avoiding intimacy because I didn’t want him to touch those parts of my body again. I realized I was living in a prison of shame, and he held the keys.
The decision to break up required tremendous emotional fortitude. It wasn’t easy. But I recognized that one of the main reasons couples split is because they simply aren’t compatible. If your partner is a narcissist—and after much reflection, I believe mine was—it’s unlikely he’s ever going to truly change. He may apologize, promise to do better, but the pattern of using shame and humiliation as tools of control will likely continue.
Related: My boyfriend won’t go to therapy
Final Thoughts
There are some things that should never be said to someone we supposedly love. Being called fat—especially in a way that’s designed to humiliate you in front of others—certainly ranks high on the list. Sometimes people call their significant others names because they have fears of intimacy, using name-calling as a way of sabotaging any real dialogue about their true feelings in the relationship.
The shame I carried after being humiliated about my body nearly destroyed my sense of self-worth. It took therapy, self-reflection, and the courage to walk away before I could begin to heal. I learned that the shame wasn’t really about my body at all—it was about internalizing someone else’s cruelty and making it my truth.
If this is happening to you, I encourage you to seek counseling to help you figure things out. If you’re curious about why some men behave the way they do—calling you names, deliberately humiliating you, using your insecurities as weapons—I highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Inside you’ll find page after page of insightful information into the minds of angry and controlling men.
Finally, if you’re considering couples therapy to address what’s happening in your relationship, give this plenty of thought before calling a counselor. There’s a good chance your partner may be highly resistant to this suggestion, given his already abusive behavior. If you still think therapy would be helpful, consider strategies for how to talk about couples counseling with the man in your life without triggering defensiveness.
Most importantly, know this: you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel beautiful, not someone who makes you feel ashamed. The right partner will never grab your love handles to criticize them—they’ll touch you with tenderness and appreciation. You deserve nothing less.
