Partner Doesn’t Want Sex?
When you’re lying in bed wondering why your partner doesn’t want sex anymore, it’s easy to spiral into worst-case scenarios. Are they cheating? Have they fallen out of love? Is it something about you?
Here’s the truth: If you’re experiencing a desire difference in your relationship, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s one of the most common reasons couples seek sex therapy at our Chicago practice. Whether you’re in Lakeview, Lincoln Park, Andersonville, or any other neighborhood, this challenge crosses all boundaries—straight couples, LGBTQ+ relationships, monogamous partnerships, and polyamorous configurations alike.
Before we dive into the reasons, let’s address something important: While many people search for “boyfriend doesn’t want sex” or “husband has low libido,” desire differences affect all types of couples regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or relationship structure. The feelings of rejection, confusion, and worry are universal.
Here are 10 evidence-based reasons your partner might have low libido—and what you can do about it.
1. Desire Discrepancy Is Actually Normal (Really)
First, let’s reframe the conversation. Research shows that most couples don’t have perfectly matched libidos, and that’s completely normal. What sex therapists call “desire discrepancy” is the natural difference between partners’ levels of sexual interest.
The idea that both partners should always want sex at the same frequency and intensity is a myth—one that causes unnecessary stress. In reality, desire fluctuates based on stress levels, life circumstances, hormones, relationship dynamics, and countless other factors.
This doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means you’re human.
What helps: Recognize that there’s no “correct” amount of sex. If you’re having sex once a week and both partners are satisfied, that’s perfect. If you’re having sex twice a month and feeling disconnected, that’s worth addressing. The number matters less than whether both partners feel heard and valued.
2. Stress, Anxiety, and Overwhelm
Living in Chicago means dealing with real stressors: brutal commutes on the Red Line, demanding careers in the Loop, rising rent in neighborhoods like Wicker Park and Bucktown, and the constant juggling act of modern life.
When your partner’s brain is flooded with cortisol (the stress hormone), their body literally shifts into survival mode. Sexual desire gets pushed to the back burner because their nervous system is focused on perceived threats—even if those “threats” are work deadlines or financial worries.
For LGBTQ+ individuals and couples, add the layer of minority stress—navigating discrimination, family dynamics, or workplace challenges related to identity. For those in polyamorous or ENM relationships, managing multiple partnerships can add scheduling stress and emotional complexity that impacts desire.
What helps: Stress management isn’t just about bubble baths. We’re talking about real nervous system regulation: regular exercise, adequate sleep, therapy, setting boundaries at work, and creating actual downtime. Sometimes couples therapy can help you both identify stressors and develop strategies together.
3. Depression and Mood Disorders
Depression doesn’t always look like someone crying in bed. Sometimes it looks like emotional numbness, withdrawal, or loss of interest in activities that used to bring pleasure—including sex.
Research shows that depression affects sexual desire significantly. Your partner might feel disconnected from their body, struggle with motivation, or experience the emotional flatness that makes arousal difficult or impossible.
This can be particularly complicated in relationships where one or both partners are managing mental health conditions. The person with depression might feel guilty about their low libido, while their partner feels rejected and confused.
What helps: Professional support is essential. Individual therapy, and potentially medication prescribed by a psychiatrist, can make a huge difference. Couples counseling can also help both partners navigate the impact of depression on intimacy without blame or shame.
4. Medical Conditions and Hormonal Changes
Your partner’s body chemistry directly affects their libido. Low testosterone (which affects people of all genders), thyroid disorders, cardiovascular issues, diabetes, and chronic pain conditions can all tank sexual desire.
For people with vulvas, hormonal fluctuations related to menstrual cycles, pregnancy, postpartum recovery, perimenopause, and menopause can dramatically impact desire. Conditions like endometriosis or painful sex (dyspareunia) create understandable avoidance of sexual activity.
For people with penises, conditions affecting erectile function, prostate health, or testosterone levels can create anxiety around sex that further decreases desire.
What helps: A visit to a primary care physician or specialist is crucial. Hormone testing, cardiovascular screening, and evaluation of chronic conditions can identify treatable causes. Don’t skip this step—many people assume their low libido is “just stress” when there’s an underlying medical issue.
5. Medications and Substances
SSRIs (antidepressants like Prozac, Zoloft, and Lexapro) are notorious for affecting sexual desire and function. Blood pressure medications, birth control pills, anti-anxiety medications, and many other common prescriptions can impact libido.
Alcohol is particularly tricky. While a glass of wine might help someone relax, regular heavy drinking actually decreases sexual function and desire over time. Cannabis affects people differently—some find it enhances sexual experiences, while others find it decreases motivation for partnered sex.
What helps: Never stop medications without medical supervision, but do talk to your doctor about sexual side effects. Sometimes switching medications, adjusting dosages, or timing doses differently can help. Be honest about alcohol and substance use patterns.
6. Body Image, Performance Anxiety, and Genital Size Concerns
Here’s something therapists know but people rarely talk about: concerns about appearance, performance, and genital size affect people of all genders—and they’re absolutely devastating to sexual desire.
Your partner might be avoiding sex because they feel unattractive after weight changes, aging, surgery, or simply comparing themselves to unrealistic standards. People with penises worry about size, stamina, and erectile function. People with vulvas worry about appearance, smell, tightness, and their body’s responses.
Performance anxiety creates a vicious cycle: worry about sexual performance makes arousal harder, which increases anxiety, which further decreases desire. This is especially common after experiences of erectile difficulty, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, difficulty with arousal, or inability to orgasm.
In LGBTQ+ relationships, body image concerns might intersect with gender dysphoria, societal beauty standards within queer communities, or internalized shame. In kink and BDSM communities, concerns about “doing it right” or measuring up to experienced practitioners can create performance pressure.
What helps: Reassurance is important, but it’s rarely enough on its own. Professional support from a therapist who specializes in sex and intimacy issues can help address these deep-seated concerns. Couples therapy can create space to rebuild sexual confidence together without pressure.
7. Sexual Compatibility, Preferences, and Interests
Sometimes low libido isn’t actually about desire—it’s about desire for the specific type of sex you’re currently having.
If your partner is kinky but you’ve only been having vanilla sex, they might lose interest over time. If they’re interested in power exchange, role play, or specific scenarios that aren’t being explored, “desire” might be there—just not for what’s currently on the menu.
For folks in the kink and BDSM community, this is particularly relevant. A submissive partner might struggle with initiating sex because it conflicts with their dynamic. A dominant partner might lose interest in purely “equal” sexual encounters. Someone interested in impact play, rope bondage, or specific fetishes might feel unfulfilled by partnered sex that doesn’t incorporate these elements.
This doesn’t mean you need to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. But it does mean honest conversations about desires, boundaries, and creativity are essential.
What helps: Many couples benefit from working with a kink-friendly, sex-positive therapist who can help navigate these conversations without judgment. Reading books together, attending workshops, and exploring your sexual interests as a team can reignite desire when both partners feel safe and respected.
8. Trauma and Past Sexual Experiences
Past sexual trauma—whether recent or from years ago—can profoundly affect current sexual desire. This includes sexual assault, coercive experiences, religious shame, negative first experiences, or any sexual encounter that violated consent or safety.
Trauma responses don’t always look obvious. Your partner might shut down, dissociate, feel numb, or simply avoid sexual situations without consciously connecting it to past experiences. Trauma can also be triggered unexpectedly—a specific touch, position, word, or scenario might cause a trauma response even in an otherwise safe relationship.
For LGBTQ+ individuals, trauma might include experiences of conversion therapy, hate crimes, or sexual violence specifically targeting their identity. For those in kink communities, past boundary violations or abuse disguised as BDSM can create complex feelings about desire and safety.
What helps: Trauma-informed therapy with someone who specializes in sexual trauma is essential. Couples therapy can help the non-traumatized partner understand responses and provide support without taking things personally. Healing is absolutely possible, but it requires professional guidance and patience.
9. Relationship Structure and Dynamics
For those in polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationships, desire discrepancy can have unique dimensions. New relationship energy (NRE) with a new partner might temporarily shift desire away from an established partner. Scheduling challenges, comparison dynamics, or feeling like you’re competing for attention can all impact libido.
Sometimes a partner’s low libido with you doesn’t mean low libido overall—it might mean something specific about your relationship dynamic needs attention. Are emotional needs being met? Is there resentment? Has the relationship become more functional than romantic?
In hierarchical polyamory, primary partners might struggle with desire when metamours are getting NRE attention. In relationship anarchy structures, lack of clear agreements about sexual expectations can create anxiety that suppresses desire.
What helps: Polyamory-affirming couples counseling can help navigate these complex dynamics. Clear communication about needs, realistic expectations about NRE cycles, and addressing underlying relationship issues are all crucial steps.
10. Communication Breakdown and Unmet Emotional Needs
For many people, emotional intimacy is the foundation of sexual desire. If your partner doesn’t feel emotionally connected to you, heard by you, or appreciated by you, their sexual interest will naturally decrease.
This might look like: unresolved conflicts that never get addressed, feeling like roommates instead of partners, criticism or contempt in daily interactions, lack of quality time together, or simply feeling unseen and undervalued.
The research on this is clear: emotional intimacy and sexual desire are deeply connected. When couples stop having meaningful conversations, stop showing affection outside the bedroom, or stop prioritizing the relationship, desire often follows.
What helps: Rebuilding emotional intimacy takes intentional effort. Regular check-ins, date nights, expressing appreciation, working through conflicts productively, and remembering why you chose this person in the first place. Sometimes this requires professional couples counseling to learn new communication patterns and rebuild connection.
What to Do When Your Partner Has Low Libido
If you’re experiencing desire discrepancy in your relationship, here are some concrete next steps:
Have the conversation (gently). Choose a neutral time—not right after rejected sex or during a fight. Use “I” statements: “I miss feeling connected to you sexually” rather than “You never want me anymore.”
Listen without defensiveness. Your partner’s low libido probably isn’t about you being unattractive or undesirable. Create space for them to share what’s really happening without judgment.
Consider professional help early. Don’t wait until resentment builds. Working with a couples therapist or sex therapist can help you navigate this challenge before it becomes a crisis. In Chicago, we’re fortunate to have therapists who specialize in LGBTQ+ relationships, polyamorous dynamics, and kink-aware care.
Explore other forms of intimacy. While you’re working on the issue, maintain connection through non-sexual physical affection, quality time, and emotional intimacy. These actually help rebuild sexual desire over time.
Take care of yourself. Your sexual needs matter. This might mean solo sex, honest conversations about whether the relationship is meeting your needs, or exploring ethical options that work for your relationship structure.
Final Thoughts
Desire discrepancy is one of the most common—and most solvable—challenges couples face. Whether you’re navigating this in a long-term marriage, a newer partnership, a queer relationship, or a polyamorous configuration, the principles remain the same: communication, compassion, and willingness to address underlying issues.
Your relationship doesn’t have to end because of mismatched libidos. With professional support, honest conversation, and commitment from both partners, most couples can find a path forward that honors both people’s needs.
If you’re in the Chicago area and struggling with desire differences, intimacy challenges, or any other relationship issue, our team at Couples Counseling Chicago is here to help. We offer specialized support for couples across the city—from Rogers Park to Hyde Park, and everywhere in between.
Looking for more relationship support? Check out our other resources on couples counseling topics, or reach out to schedule a consultation.
