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The Email That Started It All

We got this gem in our inbox from a guy we’ll call “Mr. Reality Check” (he called himself “Mr. Busted” but let’s be honest about what’s really happening here):

“Just before Christmas, my wife caught me cheating. I won’t get into all of the details but I’ve been stepping out on her for the past year with someone. She’s a girl that I have hired for massage that occasionally offers a ‘happy ending’. I live in Chicago and she lives in the suburbs.

Apparently, my wife had been looking at my smart-phone and saw the emails we had been exchanging. I’ve tried to explain to her that it really wasn’t an “affair” like she keeps accusing me of. I mean there is a difference between getting a massage with release and having a full blown relationship with another woman. We became friends – that’s pretty much it.

She doesn’t seem to see the difference or care. All I know is that she wants to split and has started making calls to Chicago divorce lawyers. I’m not sure what to do? I love my wife very much and have never done anything behind her back except this. We’ve been married for just over 5-years. I’m only 36 years old – we don’t even have children yet. Please help!”

WTF Should You Do? Let’s Break This Down

First Things First: You’re Fooling Yourself

Let’s address the elephant humping the room: You’re trying to convince yourself (and her) that paying someone for sexual contact “with benefits of friendship” somehow doesn’t count as cheating because you didn’t catch feelings?

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

You’ve been seeing someone behind your wife’s back for a YEAR. You exchanged emails. You became “friends.” You paid for sexual services repeatedly. And somehow you thought this was a technicality she’d appreciate?

Here’s the brutal truth: Your wife doesn’t give a damn about your creative definitions of infidelity. You betrayed her trust, you lied by omission for 12 months, and now you’re shocked she’s calling divorce lawyers? Come on.

Stop Minimizing What You Did

“It really wasn’t an affair like she keeps accusing me of” – this right here is why she’s ready to bounce. You’re STILL trying to minimize it instead of owning it.

You know what she hears when you say that? “The thing I did to you wasn’t THAT bad, so stop being so dramatic.”

Not exactly the foundation for rebuilding trust, is it?

She Didn’t “Randomly” Catch You

Let’s talk about how she found out. She was looking through your phone. That means one of two things (or both):

She already had suspicions because you weren’t as slick as you thought
Something in your behavior changed and her gut told her to look

Women’s intuition isn’t magic – it’s pattern recognition. You probably started acting differently, became more protective of your phone, changed your routine, or gave off a dozen other micro-signals that something was off.

She didn’t stumble onto your emails by accident. She went looking because part of her already knew.

What “I Love My Wife Very Much” Actually Means Right Now

You say you love her, and you might genuinely believe that. But here’s what she’s thinking: “If this is what love looks like, I don’t want it.”

Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a choice you make every single day. And for the past year, every time you scheduled that massage, every time you exchanged emails, every time you lied about where you were going – you chose something else.

Your wife is looking at your actions, not your words. And your actions have been screaming something very different than “I love you very much.”

The “We Don’t Even Have Children Yet” Problem

You threw this in like it’s supposed to help your case. It doesn’t.

What it actually tells us is that you cheated during what’s supposed to be the EASY part of marriage. You haven’t even hit the real stressors – kids, money problems, health scares, aging parents, career setbacks.

If you’re seeking sexual fulfillment elsewhere before you even have the challenges that typically strain marriages, that’s a massive red flag about your relationship foundations.

So What the Hell DO You Do Now?

Step 1: Stop Trying to Control the Narrative

Your wife gets to define what happened to HER. She gets to call it an affair if that’s what it feels like. She gets to be as angry as she wants for as long as she needs.

You don’t get to tell her how upset she should be about your betrayal. That’s not how healing works.

Step 2: Own Your Shit – Completely

No more “it wasn’t really an affair.” No more “we just became friends.” No more “I never did anything behind her back except this.”

Here’s what you need to say (and mean): “I cheated on you. I lied to you for a year. I betrayed your trust. There’s no excuse. I’m sorry.”

Full stop. No qualifiers.

Step 3: Figure Out WHY You Did This

This is the part most people skip, but it’s crucial. You need to ask yourself:

What were you looking for that you weren’t getting at home?
Why didn’t you talk to your wife about it?
What made paying for sexual services feel like an acceptable solution?
Is there a pattern here from previous relationships?

These aren’t questions to ask so you can justify what you did. They’re questions to ask so you can figure out what broke down and whether it’s fixable.

Step 4: Respect Her Timeline

She’s calling divorce lawyers. That’s where she is right now. You don’t get to rush her past that because it’s inconvenient for you.

Your wife needs space to process that her entire marriage might have been a lie. She needs time to figure out if she can ever trust you again. She needs room to be furious.

If she agrees to talk, great. If she wants couples counseling, even better. If she needs you to move out while she thinks, that’s what happens.

Step 5: Get Your Own Therapy

Even if she won’t do couples counseling (and she might not be ready), YOU need to see someone. You need to unpack:

Why you thought this was okay
What you were actually seeking
How to rebuild integrity in your life
What you’re going to do differently going forward

This isn’t about saving your marriage (though it might help). This is about becoming someone who doesn’t do this shit in the first place.

Step 6: Prepare for the Worst While Hoping for the Best

Real talk: She might divorce you. She has every right to. A year of deception is a lot to come back from.

If she does, you need to let her go with grace. No fighting, no guilt-tripping, no “but I love you.” You made choices that led here. Own the consequences.

If she’s willing to try to work through this, understand that rebuilding trust takes YEARS, not months. You’ll need to be completely transparent, probably forever. Your phone? Open book. Your schedule? Accounted for. Your commitment? Unquestionable.

The Hard Truth About “Happy Endings”

Let’s talk about the massage situation specifically, because there’s something important here.

You sought out sexual services from someone else instead of addressing whatever was missing in your intimate life with your wife. Maybe the sex was boring. Maybe it was infrequent. Maybe you felt unwanted or unappreciated.

Those are real problems that real couples face. You know what the solution is? TALKING ABOUT IT. Marriage counseling. Sex therapy. Having an uncomfortable conversation.

The solution is never: “I’ll just pay someone else to get me off and my wife will never know.”

What If She Actually Considers Working Through This?

If – and this is a big if – your wife decides she wants to try couples therapy, here’s what you need to know:

It’s Going to Suck

Therapy for infidelity is brutal. You’re going to hear how badly you hurt her over and over. You’re going to feel like shit. You’re going to want to defend yourself.

Don’t. Just listen. This is part of the price of admission.

You Need a Therapist Who Specializes in Infidelity

Not all couples therapists know how to handle cheating. You need someone who specifically works with affair recovery. They’ll have a structured approach for rebuilding trust.

She Might Change Her Mind

Some people think they want to work through it, then realize they can’t. She might try for a few weeks or months and decide it’s too much.

If that happens, you have to respect it. You don’t get to hold the therapy process against her.

Rebuilding Trust is Exhausting

If she commits to trying, you need to understand that she’s going to check your phone. She’s going to ask where you’re going. She’s going to need reassurance constantly.

This isn’t her being crazy. This is the natural consequence of breaking trust. You deal with it without complaining.

The Questions You Should Be Asking Yourself

Forget about what your wife is going to do for a minute. Here’s what YOU need to figure out:

Are you actually capable of monogamy? Some people aren’t. If that’s you, you need to be honest about it and find partners who are okay with non-monogamy. What you can’t do is promise monogamy and then sneak around.

What was missing in your marriage that made this feel necessary? And why didn’t you address it directly?

Do you actually want to be married? Or are you just scared of being alone/divorced/losing your comfortable life?

Are you willing to do the HARD work to rebuild trust? We’re talking years of complete transparency, ongoing therapy, and constant self-examination.

Would you stay if the roles were reversed? If your wife had been paying some guy for sexual services for a year and lying about it, would you give her another chance?

The Bottom Line

Your wife caught you cheating because you WERE cheating. Not “kind of” cheating. Not “technically but not really” cheating. Actually cheating.

She’s calling divorce lawyers because from her perspective, her marriage is over. The man she thought she married wouldn’t do this. The life she thought she had was built on lies.

You can’t convince her to see it differently. You can’t logic her into forgiving you. You can’t minimize it into being less devastating.

What you CAN do:

Own what you did completely
Stop trying to control how she reacts
Give her space to process
Get yourself into therapy
Figure out why you really did this
Respect whatever decision she makes
Learn from this whether you stay married or not

The marriage you had before is gone. Dead. It doesn’t exist anymore. If there’s any chance of building something new, it starts with you accepting that truth and stopping all the bullshit justifications.

Real Resources for Your Situation

If She Agrees to Try:

Infidelity-specific couples therapy: Don’t just pick any therapist. Find someone who specializes in affair recovery
Individual therapy for both of you: You each need space to process this separately
Books on affair recovery: “After the Affair” by Janis Spring is a starting point

If She Doesn’t:

Divorce counseling: Even if the marriage ends, therapy can help you separate more healthily
Individual therapy for YOU: Figure out your patterns so you don’t repeat them
Support groups: For men dealing with consequences of their choices

Either Way:

Get honest about your relationship patterns: This didn’t happen in a vacuum
Learn about attachment and intimacy: Understanding how relationships work might help you not fuck up the next one

The Final Word

You screwed up. Massively. And now you’re dealing with the consequences.

Your wife might forgive you. She might not. Either way, the question isn’t really “What should I do about my wife?” The question is “What kind of person do I want to be going forward?”

If you only care about this because you got caught, you haven’t learned anything. If you’re actually devastated that you hurt someone you love and you want to become someone who doesn’t do that, there’s hope – maybe not for this marriage, but for your growth as a human.

The choice is yours. Make it count.

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Related WTF Articles:

My Wife Caught Me Cheating and Wants a Divorce!

The Email That Started It All

WTF Should You Do? Let’s Break This Down

So What the Hell DO You Do Now?